ANNIE: 7/20/1994-4/27/2007 [L]

INTRO

I only knew her for the last two years. Yet I was home with her all day from 11/05 to her last. Suffice to say, we were good friends and loved each other. She wasn’t a cat or pet, she was a companion. More than that she was also Dani’s baby

Annie was her name. I preferred “The Kitty” or just “Kitty”. But she was no cat. Nor was she a pet. She was a good friend who gave as good as she got. Her current vet put Annie’s age at 16. She looked to be a Norwegian Forrester. She had a hyperthyroid that was difficult to control. Her arthritis was horrible. Her “first” vet was stunned by the x-rays. Showing massive scar tissue on her hind legs – indicative of horrendous abuse, kicking most likely, with no medical attention. Dani wept when she saw those x-rays. Still, she was an unbroken spirit. She would eat what she wanted to and climb where she wanted to be. In the end, however, it was her heart murmur that she couldn’t overcome. Most likely she was “throwing” blood clots to her hindquarters and towards her head.

PRELOGUE
Most should know by now, the story. Back in 94 Dani was home in Missouri from college for summer break. Sitting in a lawn chair, in her backyard, reading. Out of the woods comes a cat, trotting towards her. She gets near her and lets out a loud meow. Dani asks, “what’s wrong, kitty?” to which she cries some more. It’s Dani’s parents Anniversary. Annie is all belly and full of burs. Dani pets her a bit and carries her inside. Dani’s Mom suggests they put her in the pump house for the Father to “find”. This way he can “make the decision” to bring her in. The Mom’s devious strategy works. Two days later, Annie gives birth to seven kittens. Dani personally sees that they are all adopted.

Kitty had chosen Dani. Somehow. Just came out of the woods and announced her decision. And from the beginning it was obvious. Annie was Dani’s Kitty. Dani was Annie’s.

I really can't put into words how much they loved each other.

Soon after, Dani leaves for college. Right after Dani Leaves, her Mom realizes something’s wrong with Annie and takes her to the Vet. Her intestines have telescoped and she needs surgery, ASAP. She’s in danger of developing peritonitis. Mom considers putting Annie down but the Dad vetoes, saying: “Dani will kill us”. After that, Annie would allow no one to handle her besides Dani. Dani would come home from college and it was like they were old friends. It would take 2 years, living at her home, before her Mom could pet Annie. And of course, when Dani moved to DC so did Kitty.

And then I came along. Kitty took an almost immediate liking to me. But I believe at first it was only because Dani liked me. Later we bonded like I’ve never bonded with an animal.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END
And then came that horrible day in late March. She had what appeared to be a stroke. She appeared blind in the left eye, was making clockwise rotations, had a head tilt, and was having difficulty using her back legs. She seemed to have a disconnect with anything Left of her. But Dani was not going to take her to the Vet. They would want to observe her over night and that would not be acceptable. Dani has a strong, and justifiable reason for not trusting overnight stays. I had over six years of training and could easily recognize pain and assess pain levels. If I was unsure, we could always call Dani’s friend, a Vet out West. So we would watch, and hope she overcome this. The first two days were horrible. We worked with Annie, helping her walk, trying to get her to eat and drink, to no avail. She was upset. Sometimes crying out with frustration. Once, I had to hold her up so she could use the litter box. It was the second night when things got much better. She was walking with ease and during dinner came to her “position” next to me. That night, Kitty got my Chicken leg dinner. Both of them.

She improved over the next week or so but it was slow going. She had to do circles before anything, she was very unstable, and she didn’t purr much anymore, only when being brushed. Occasionally she would head butt me and chew on my hair. But nothing like before. It was heartbreaking. She was too unstable to sit in laps or be on the bed. She would come to the bedroom and look up at us, longingly, then settle in her corner on the floor. Still, we hoped for the best.

But then came two more strokes – “mini strokes”, in rapid succession. We saw one; she was experiencing head spasms, and at the same time lifting her right paw to her head, as if she were trying to brush something off her face. She shook that one off. The next one was early in the morning, again, she was falling forward. Unwilling to use her back legs, lifting them up from the ground. She could not support her weight on her front legs alone and would fall forward. She wouldn’t eat that day, not even the chicken legs Dani cooked for her that night. She did finally eat the chicken the next day and she started walking better. But we started to recognize that Kitty may not pull out this time. Dani and I were becoming increasingly distraught. That night we picked up Dani’s Mom at the airport. She was aware of the situation.

4/26/07 – ANNIE'S LAST DAY
It was midnightish when we got back from the airport. Things had taken a turn for the worst. Kitty must have had another episode. She was now circling counter-clockwise but could find nothing. She looked completely confused, disorientated. She couldn’t find her food or water right in front of her face. She moaned her annoyance. Both eyes seemed non-functional now. Her back legs weren’t working. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I just looked at Mom. It was only gonna get worst. It was time. We contemplated taking her right then but decided Morning was just as well. Mom picked her up and soothed her. Dani and I just sat there. Devastated. We started drinking. Hard. Drinking and Crying. My Mother-in-law just barely keeping it together. Welcome to DC, Mom. Kitty laid on the floor near our sofa couch, where Dani and I would be sleeping. Mom went to bed. I sat there with her, brushing her chin and side. She was enjoying it but not purring. I asked Dani to bring my Laphroaig Whisky. She said “can I get you a glass?” “No” I responded. Tonight I drink to Kitty. Dani went to bed, crying. I sat with Kitty, brushing her and drinking my Scotch. She closed her eyes and fell asleep. I finished off the bottle and went to bed. crying softly. Later, I could here Kitty drag herself to the bedroom. It was so fucking heartbreaking.

The Morning came in no time. We sat there like we sat the night before. Devastated. Dani called her vet and told them, as best she could while balling, that it was time. They fit us in for 11AM. Gave us an hour or so. Fuck. In the meantime we watched Kitty. She could walk again but couldn’t find anything. Twice she fell into her food, laying her head on the plate. I watched her drink water without touching the water. At one point, she looked in my direction and let out this moan. Instinctually, somehow, I picked her up and brought her to her Litter box. There, with tears welling up, I helped keep her upright while she peed. Why couldn’t she have died in her sleep? When the time came I grabbed her carrier, just in case, and two bandanas. Dani picked Annie up and out the door we went. In the car I told Dani that I knew this sucked but I was having a hard time seeing the road. Kitties vet was ~10minute drive. I handed Dani a bandana.

Luckily, I find a spot within a block of the Vet. Everything starts to blur. I’m sure there were people on the sidewalk but I remember no one. We get inside, Dani balling and me unable to approach the receptionist. I’m using my sunglasses to help keep my shit together. I can’t take them off. No matter. The receptionist recognizes us and brings us back to a room. She recognizes us from the Vet and she shops at Dani’s stand. We sign this and that, the receptionist being a complete sweetheart. Then the Doc comes in. Another gentle soul, going through the details. Being completely compassionate. She leaves, after getting our permission to take Kitty and put a catheter in.

The vet came back with Kitty and a towel. Put her in Dani’s lap and told us to take our time. She left us. We unwrapped her. We hugged Kitty, told her how sorry we were, and thanked her for her love. Kissing her. We tried to be brave and not upset Annie. But it was too difficult. Dani was inconsolable. Saying she couldn’t do it but knowing we had to. The Vet checked back in. Dani summoned all the courage she could and gave the OK. The Vet started with Saline. Dani hugged Kitty tight. I got on the floor next to them and took my sunglasses off. Tears rolling freely off our faces. As the vet started the first drug, Kitty lashed out with her free arm, trying to remove the catheter. I petted her, trying to console her. In no time she fell asleep, her head resting on Dani’s knee, front arms splayed on either side of her leg. The vet continued. I had to take a Bandanna to Dani’s face. As she would later tell me: “I could feel her heart stop.”

The vet confirmed Annie’s passing and left us, telling us once again to take our time. I don’t know how long we were there, sobbing, thanking her and telling her how sorry we were. At some point Dani said we should go. I left the room to get someone. A tech responded, entered the room, stopped short, and let out a quiet little “Oh.” She knew Dani outside of the Hospital. She gently grabbed Kitty, said she was sorry and she would take care of her. We each kissed Annie one more time on the head, said goodbye, and left. Not sure how I drove home. The silence that night and the next morning was truly deafening.

We have to wait until Wednesday, 5/9, to pick up her ashes…….…it hurts

TRIBUTE TO THE KITTY

Kitty, The Compassionate
When Dani was alone and upset, Kitty would come to her and gently pat her cheek with her paw, trying to soothe her, tell her all was well. The Kitty was always very concerned while I was undergoing treatment, often by my side on days I was feeling particularly ill. And when I slept late on those days, I would open my eyes and there was Kitty watching me with obvious concern, either from the floor or on the bed. She would then let out a little cry and go to Dani. As if satisfied that I was getting up and was OK. She repeated this when I had Mono. I would pass out on the couch and wake up with Annie watching over me.

Spirit of the Kitty
She would climb up on the bed without the use of her back legs to be with us. She would play with toys like a youngster. She would “chase” me around the sofa, trotting until she or I got tired. Usually it was I who gave up. She would watch birds and cats from the windows – with hunger in her eyes. Again, climbing up onto the windowsills without the use of her back legs. On several occasions, she whipped out through a crack in the door to chase the feral Cats living in our back yard. We were scarred shitless when she did this. But we were proud of her. An ancient cat attacking young wild ones like she was a young killer herself. No fear. And she chased the two youngens, the Mom, and on one occasion, the meanest of the bunch - the Tomcat, right out. It was kind of funny to see how petrified they were of her. And Kitty was only 5lbs.

A Best Friend Like No Other
She always wanted to be in one of our laps. Wherever we were sitting. She would come up to us, get on her hind legs and scratch lightly at a knee until you picked her up. The scratching was as gentle as a human scratching, no damage, especially if we were wearing pants. Once on the lap – she needed petting. And she wasn’t gonna take no for an answer. Whether we might be typing or holding a newspaper, she would reach out with a cupped paw with claws slightly extended and pull an arm gently towards her for petting, hopefully scratching.

The Longest kitty and I had been separated was Christmas '06. we went home to Dani's mom in St. Louis fopr 5 days. Kitty was so excited when we came home. She laid in my lap and rubbed. And purred. And rubbed some more.

She was always with us and preferred it if we were in the same room. She loved being on the couch with us. But most of all, She loved bedtime. She often started at the head of the bed, always on the right side, just below the pillows. If she didn’t start out there, she ended up there. If a bad Thunderstorm came through, she would get up on Dani’s pillow and sleep curled up around her head. Sometimes on her head.

And she loved her steel brush. We would brush her at night, on the bed. And she would brush herself. All I had to do was turn it bristle side up and she would rub her neck over the bristles. Kitty would come whenever we called. Even if she were sleeping, as long as we were enthusiastic enough. She followed us to the door when we left, and was at the door when we came home.

Annie liked to lay on the bed. A lot. That’s where we often played. But only after it were made. In fact, she would go to the bed and just look at you and maybe cry out if you didn’t respond right away. Then, after one of us made the bed, she would jump up and make herself comfy. And there we would often play one of her favorite games: Attack The Phil head. I would put my head down and feign a “head butt”, Kitty would grab my head with her claws, lightly digging in, pulling me to her. She would then chew on my hair. This was something she would do with me only, for some reason. She would go right to the base of my hair and chew, pulling up from my head. I could barely feel her teeth against my scalp. But again, it was done with gentle skill and never hurt.

I could also lay my head on the bed and she would put her nose right in my ear and sniff. Hard. This would always make me giggle like a schoolgirl and she seemed to like that. Repeating her actions often. Then she would chew on my hair some. I always loved that. She even tried to do it while I was undergoing chemo. But my hair was so full of Toxins I had to stop her when she tried. I so enjoyed starting up again after my first haircut following my last treatment. It was very comforting. She also loved my armpits. I would lay on the floor or bed with my arms raised/under my head and she would just rub her head into my armpits. Often head-butting them.

What she did enjoy with Dani and I was head butts. Like how Rams butt heads. Occasional she would trot from one side of the bed, put her head down, and “BOP!” Then she would slide her head down against the head she rammed. Always enjoyed that. She also liked to lick eyelids. Waiting until Dani or I closed our eyes to start licking.

And Annie loved the backyard of our new place and had this thing for climbing stairs. She was obsessed with it. Kind of like an autistic obsession - she "had to" climb stairs. Often needed to do this out front as well.

Her other favorite game was attacking The Dani hand. On her side, Dani would start tickling Annie’s belly. The Kitty would get the wild look in her eyes, extend all her claws, and start kicking Dani’s hand with her back legs, then get her front legs in on it. Finally she would start biting the Hand. It used to scare the shit out of me! Kitty looked like she was mauling Dani’s hand! But she never left much of a mark. Certainly never drew blood.

Another game we played was “steal the kitty”. I would grab kitty and run for the bedroom, Dani chasing me, shouting “Don’t take my Kitty from me!” If Dani didn’t grab me in time, I would fall on the bed with Kitty and Dani would jump on. This always seemed to excite Kitty – always happy to be in bed with us – and she'd always start purring.

In the old apartment, Kitty almost always laid on her back on the wood floor in somewhat of a contorted fashion: The front of her body twisted to the left or right with her back half straight up.

Annie preferred water out of a glass. And if not on our laps, or eating food I was giving her, then she wanted to be on the table. If Kitty wasn’t on one of her pillows, then she would lay on black. She loved black - especially my backpack or black duffle bag. We always thought she liked the way her shedded hair looked against black.

Kitty The Provider
One night last Summer, Dani was awakened by the moans of Kitty as she trotted down the hallway towards us from the Living room. Dani woke me up, jumped off the bed, and exclaimed “There’s something wrong wit Annie! We’ve got to go to the ER!” I sat up in time to see (by silhouette) Annie enter the room and sit up by the doorway, under the light switch. Simultaneously, Dani met her and flicked on the light. Annie moaned again and spit a very discombobulated, and most likely terrified, mouse at Dani’s feet. Dani screamed and jumped back onto the bed. It was quiet sweet of Annie to help out with the food, no? Still a mouser at that age is quite impressive.

Jolly 'Ole Kitty
Kitty loved Christmas, of course. And somehow she always knew which present contained catnip.

Gentle, Happy Kitty
In the last few Months of her life, Annie could not climb up on the bed. She would sit by it and wait for one of us to pick her up. As soon as Dani started making Dinner, Annie would go sit upright by my chair and wait. If I was having meat or fish that night, she would get a bite for every bite I took. On non-meat nights I would show my dinner to her but she would still wait. If I wasn’t home and someone had taken my place, Annie would still sit there, looking for food from the person in my chair. And in these late months of her life, she sometimes preferred the floor. Maybe it was the arthritis? Sometimes she slept on “her” (what was once my) comforter in the closet. Sometimes on one of two pillows we had strategically place for her. And sometimes on the floor.

Kitty also went from crying loudly in the Morning to wake us up, to waiting until we stirred. She would give a very low cry, wait for us to stir a little more, than cry louder. She was waking us up gently. On occasion she would stand on us to wake us, but more often then not, she would do it slowly and quietly. I have no idea why.

And through it all, what I remember most is Annie purring. All that was required was for us to be with her. She purred most of the day.

GOODBYE ANNIE


Kitty gave what she got and then some. Annie Loved us unconditionally and we returned it.

I still see her. By the bed, on the bed, by my chair, looking at me, waiting for dinner. In my lap, while I type this. In Dani’s lap, while she reads the paper. Dani catches herself looking for Annie, asking to watch out for Kitty when we leave. Every day Dani called me and would ask “What’s the Kitty doing?” I would usually respond “She’s out back chasing squirrels and feral Kitties, of course.” Or “doing cartwheels. She’s feeling much better.” And it’s so difficult to not sing our Kitty songs.

Nothing’s worst than the silence.

I only knew her for the last two years. It was more than enough and nowhere near enough. I loved her. Dani loved her. Annie was her baby. And we shall miss her like none other.

Her effect on everyone who knew her is a testimonial of who she was and will always be.

“Where’s Kitthhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeee” Dani? She’s watching. Waiting patiently to play with us.

Thank you, Kitty.

Rest In Peace, little one.

Thank you, Kitty.

Rest In Peace, little one.

Felonies, Brawls, Touching God. Iggy [L]

I think maybe the best way for me to get back in is post stuff in a semi backwards chronological order. As a side note - I would greatly appreciate it if someone could tell me how to improve pictures taken with a cell phone - i.e. blowing them up without gaining a shit load-o-distortion. Thanks. In the meantime - all I got are tiny cell phone photos......

Thursday, 4/5/07

It was the day of the Iggy Show at the 9:30 Club. 9 blocks from our Apartment. Iggy & The Stooges reunion with the added talents of bassist Mike Watt, co-founder of 70’s punk band Minutemen. It was to be a glorious day. Doors were to open at 9:30. We decided to invite some friends over for a pre-fest dinner at 7.

Clayton: Long time best friend of Dani
Tina: Long time friend of Dani
Courtney: Friend/co-worker of Dani
Kyle: Courtney’s SO and our friend

Clayton & Tina are 40 something’s
Dani & I are 30 something’s :p
Courtney & Kyle are 25 & 26.

I make my pasta & Gravy. Dani makes the apps and salad. Guests bring wine & bread. I start rotating our Iggy CD’s. They all show up about the same time and Tina has some unfortunate news. They’ve added a band or 2 and Iggy won’t come on until Midnight. Ugh. It’s gonna be a long night but we can always have coffee. So we start. Clayton & I have Whiskey. Kyle & Courtney decide on vodka crans, Dani &Tina open the wine. There was much drinking. And eating. But I think more drinking.

We all sit down to Dinner. I put on the new Iggy & the Stooges CD. Not his best work by far but no ones heard it and he’ll probably play a few at the show. We have a nice long dinner. The wine flows freely, as does a lot of liquor. After dinner drinks are done, I brew the coffee. Dani wants me to do it b/c my coffee is eaten with a fork. I seem to keep drinking until Dani has the Laphroaig removed from the table. Clayton adds enough whiskey to his coffee to cut it in half. Wired & drunk for Iggy. How awesome is this gonna be?

Brawl
We head out around 10PM. I think it’s a little early but they (or someone), insists. In hindsight I can say the euphoria we were all feeling was from the upcoming show. And the coffee and alcohol helped a bit. Probably. Supposedly it was cold out. I couldn’t tell. We were all wearing T-shirts and light jackets. 9:30 club stands about 3000, with maybe 2-3 dozen seats, including the bar stools. If you have to wear a jacket then you wanna be able to wrap it around your waist……..please hold.

Hmmmmm. Bloody Mary. Should done this and saved my Scotch for later.

Soooooooooo we get to the club and there’s not much of a line. I bet 90% of the idiots showed up “on time” Bet they froze their arsses off. Kyle brought a Backpack. Only took about 10 minutes to search that. Oy vey. On Claytons insistence, we head to the basement Bar. There’s a bit of nostalgia down there. Pictures of shows at the original site and what not. I head right to the bar with Dani & Tina in tow, I order 2 beers and a vodka cran for Dani. They come in those not so big red plastic cups. $18.00. I look around wondering where the strippers are. I hand the bartender a 20 and ask him when they’ll be coming on. He doesn’t find my comment funny. I “let” him keep the $2. for the first time in my life, I under tip. Fuck it. A weak vodka cran and 2 drafts that were MAYBE 10oz? He can skim off the top. Should have brought my flask, I thought. Luckily, I didn’t. At some point we(?) decide to go to the 3rd floor. Dani dashes up and out of sight. I follow Clayton.

The set up is kind of odd. Second floor is U shaped, the sides with a lot of room, the back is a tiny VIP type area. Third floor only sits behind VIP section and has a bar. Great view but I’m thinking I need to be up front. It is Iggy. Dani reappears from somewhere At one point this dude moves from the wall separating 2nd & 3rd and I move in. After being there about 10 minutes. the fun begins.

This Tommy Chong looking dude, only uglier, shorter, and older, nudges me from the right. Tells me that was his friends space and I need to move. Before I can say “sucks to be your friend”, Dani says “sucks to be your friend”. Love that Women. Then people from my right sytart giving me grief. At this point (I swear) I just said in a not really nasty way: “WTF? We all come here, pay our $40 and try and enjoy a show. Lighten up.” Then this troll women, think Janis Joplin, only older, uglier, and talentless, gives Dani grief. A lot of grief. She took the place of Tommy and is probably his “partner”. Dani chews her a new one. The looks at me and says “she called me a Bitch! Now I’m really gonna Fuck with her.” I agree and we close ranks on her. Tommy “bitches to 2nd floor security. He ignores him. Tommy leaves. What the fuck? Meantime Clayton has a new scotch & soda in his hand and puts one near me. “What’s this?” I ask. “My next drink” he replies. “Oh” Guess he won’t be buying any drinks. Maybe. I still have my beer from downstairs. In the meantime, we give Janis shit. After a while I feel the tap tap tap of a Gorilla. I turn to see……………………….A gorilla. Wearing a shirt that says “Security”.
Mr. No Neck informs me that these people “asked you politely to leave and you didn’t”. I respond “are you kidding?”. Gorillas have no sense of humor and asks me to move. I say Ok. And do. Dani and I both realized at the time of the “tap tap tapping” that the Game was over. I kind of bantered with the Gorilla. I was confused. I asked him if he knew these people. He said “yes”. Well, I was bantering. He kept his responses much shorter. No big deal. The important thing was we were here to see Iggy and I wanted to be on the 1st floor anyway. Right?

So we step back. Clayton, right next to us, is asking “WTF?” I see Kyle & Courtney in the 2nd floor side area. Dani tells him. Including the little verbal tiff she had with Janis. Clayton goes to speak with Janis. I grab his arm to know avail. Dani and I turn to leave and here a glass or two crash.

In case you forgot. There was copious drinking. We turn and don’t see Clayton. I look on the floor and see two pairs of legs. They are splayed in such a way that I deduce the rest of the bodies must also be on the floor. I try to run over there. Simultaneously, Dani grabs me and Gorillas push me out of the way as they move in. It’s amazing how these animals seemingly come out of the woodwork. Anyway. They pounce for a while on the body on the floor, there seems to be some resistance but up they stand with a very restrained Clayton.

Fuck.

They pass us. But ahead of them is Tommy. Damn I wanna kill that weasel. Behind them is Janis. Looks like she’s wearing a Scotch & Soda. We head out. They aren’t being to gentle with our friend. Outside there’s a cop. SOP for 930 club to have a few around. Tommy & Janis give their version. Dani & I also make up a version. Clayton’s bloddied. Cut face, fat lip, broken glasses.

This is wear we learn from the head bouncer that the area in question was reserved for some “handicapped” person. Janis. I’d like to say something but what can we? The cop gives Clayton a lecture, says she won’t press charges if you leave. Dani’s upset. I’m pissed. They never said anything to us about the area being reserved. Nor did the first Gorilla. Clayton insists we go back inside and enjoy the show. We go in, Dani tells me he doesn’t have cash on him so I run back outside but don’t see him. I ask the Cop and the Head Gorilla where’d he go. They informed me he was long gone. I then politely tell the head dude that although our friend was in the wrong, all his lackey had to do was tell us why we couldn’t occupy that space and none of this would have happened. He was very polite and I apologized again before heading back in.

I was so hoping to run into Tommy after the show.

Touching God

Back inside I see Tina & Courtney consoling Dani. Clayton had never seen Iggy. Dani blames herself for saying anything. I correct her. Clayton should have backed off and just left with us. They had Security on their side. Arguing with them is like arguing with cops, minus your civil rights. I grab Tina & Dani and head into the 1st floor. I’ve never seen Iggy. I’m wired and wasted. We are getting our money’s worth, dammit.

I need another BM (Bloody Mary!LOL! I Kill me!)

The bar on the left appears easiest to get to so we head there. Or we just stumbled left. Tina buys us drinks. I get a whiskey. I now it may be my last drink. We are maybe a dozen or so rows back. They’re setting the stage up for Iggy. I’m getting antsy. We’re too far back. The crowd is a surprising mix of young and old. I was thinking it would be mostly old. The bad comes out, starts right up and then FUCKING IGGY POP EXPLODES ONTO THE STAGE!!!! Right into “I wanna be your dog”. Dudes 2 weeks shy of 60 and still has the body of a 20 yr old. A 20 yr old with a 6 pack. We go fucking apeshit! You know, jumping 4 feet off the floor and pumping your fists. Not much room to do anything else. But no one’s with us. Up front they’re going nuts like us. This will not do. So I grab Dani and we go in. Mind you, I’m 5’8ish and Dani’s 5’2ish. Hardly average size. Always seems like the bottom of the curve at shows.



As we go in, stage left, I notice the speakers seem to be clear of people. How odd, I think and head towards them. Thinking we can outflank the crowd. As I break free a get a Gorrila hand imprint into my chest. Dani gets one, too. Damn they’re being pricks. But it is Iggy. So we squeeze into the 4th row and can’t get any closer. It will have to do. For now. We are with our people. The music is all hard core Iggy. All from his previous stooges days and current album. I’m going Fucking Crazy. Like I’m 18. All of a sudden I have a women attached to me. Arms around me, jumping up and down with me, crotch pressed against my hip. Face really close. She has a drink in one hand. Most of it ends up on us. Taste & smells like whiskey. I look at Dani several times. I’m trying to shake her off but she’s glued onto me. Finally, she decides to follow my gaze and sees Dani, looking a little less then happy. She disengages and apologizes. Dani is extremely pleasant to her. And then, Iggy invites fans onto the stage. We bolt. Dani in the lead.

That women can get through a crowd like no other. I’ve heard stories. She’s been first row for David Bowie, Skinny Puppy, and Iggy 17 yrs ago. She gets where she wants to be. Now I was gonna see it. And she cut us through like the proverbial hot steak knife through air. But too late. No more people on stage. It’s too bad. Half of them are moving like their first dance. If that first dance was with a Great Aunt that smelled of mothballs and liked to pinch cheeks until blood pored out.



But we were first row. Against the Metal fence. It was maybe 20 people wide and we were on the outermost left bank. The Goons in front of us were the same ones we dealt with during Clayton’s ejection. Lucky us. But we were front row. Iggy was stage diving. Iggy and his band were fucking rocking like they were 20 yr olds on meth and Coke. Twice he dove near us. But we could not lay our hands on him. A splash of his sweat, some spit, a little water. Teasing us. Taunting us. We were covered in our own sweat. I haven’t gone nuts like that in ages. And it was all electrifying. Unfuckingbelievable. First row can be a fight to the death. But for the most part it was civil. The women to my right was not being so civil but she grew tired of my elbow in her neck and my knee in her ass and gave up. Front row rocks. Then I started getting hit from behind. You know when you’re in a pit and the hits “feel” belligerent. I took a few and then turned around. Ready to get into it. Dude easily had 20-30 lbs & 6 inches on me. Didn’t stop me from getting in his face and shouting “WTF is your problem!?” Again, it all happened instantly. As I did that The goons from in front of me jumped on him and told him to get the fuck out. I was impressed at how well they watch and interpret. But I guess that’s there job. And I’m Not excusing the testosterone levels. Just reporting.

Through all this, Iggy had that serious look on his face, half the time.. The other half he had a shit-eating grin. Nothing like a performer who loves his work, eh?

Back to the show and Iggy was still being Iggy. The stooges and Watt were doing their thing and the it was over. All most. The crowd cried out for more. And he provided. Ending with a better(?) version of “I wanna be your dog”. Then he jumped off stage. In front of us. And we lurched. We made Contact. Our hands sliding off his soaked drenched body. He sat there for an eternity. Thanking people!!!! The God-FRIKKEN-father of PUNK! Saying Thanks! I turned and there was Hump girl. I said “I touched a God. I have his sweat on me.” She grabbed my hands for some God Sweat herself. It was over. A short wait for a 30 dollar concert T and we were out.



Outside I looked for Tommy. I guess the night would have been too perfect if I saw him. We walked Tina to her bike. Clayton had text’d us. He was home. He apologized and hoped he didn’t ruin the show for us. Courtney & Kyle had also left a message. “They hit a wall” and left before the show before it was over.

I haven’t partied like that in a Decade or so and it felt fucking awesome.

Next day, Clayton isn’t exactly sure what happened. Nor who did what. Just that he should've left with us. Oh well. He’s seen the Clash & Dead Kennedy’s. Maybe next time?

I put this show as #1 for me. Often, I was looking at Dani in blissful disbelief. I have never been to a show, rocking like delinquent youth in the front pit with someone I loved. ‘Twas a beautiful time.

Gotta go meet my partner in crime.

Happy Anniversary To Me! [C]

I almost forgot. One year ago, 4/28/07 at 4:18 PM. I finished chemo. Cheers. Some other shit happened this week, the day before my anniversary in fact, so it kind of got lost in the wake.

Here's to Life.

Hi. I'm back [L]

OK. I'm really gonna start this up again. i swear. I just had a hellish time trying to figure out how to access my account. I had to "revive" my old hotmail account to get in. I think. man I hated hotmail. This, all after I sent "them" an email saying I couldn't get in. It also says there was a post in April but I didn't do it. WTF happened in here? I'm so confused....

Anyway, if the powers be listening: disregard my email

No one Can Resist [L]

hello all. Been a long time, I know. A lot of shit has been going on and I'm trying to catch up. I swear I'll get to it soon. Gots lots-o-drafts regarding the best few months. In the meantime, I'd like to post a link. If it doesn't make you smile, then you might be too young. Post a comment or email me if you need more info. Because no matter what, the song makes me smile and I need to sing along.

BananaSplits

1 Year Ago Today. Part II [C]

Monday, November 7th. 2005
I'm officially diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, Stage IV. In the time of a weekend I went from thinking I was going to die in a few months to thinking I was gonna beat Cancer. I was "elated". Dani was still upset. I would find out later she was thinking I would be dead soon. And would worry about it for months.

And I'm not sure I discussed this before but Dani thought something went terribly wrong this day in 2005. They told us my Surgery would take about an hour. It took two. Removal of my swollen neck Lymph node was seriously complicated by the fact that it was pressing against my corrated(sp?) artery. So while I was fast "asleep" Dani was in the waiting room panicking. Thinking I had lost my life on the operating table. The things I've put her through...

It's weird to think back on this stuff. I have this euphoric type feeling. Life is good and it's so nice to be here. Words don't really describe it.

Peace

1 Year Ago Today [C]

1 Year ago today my Girlfriend Dani & I went to see my Doctor concerning some swollen lymph nodes.

1 Year ago today my Doctor sent me to the ER

1 Year ago today Dani & I were laying in my hospital bed in my private room. I had just been given a preliminary/probable diagnosis of "Lymphoma" and I/we were wondering if I had maybe a few months to live.

1 Year ago today I told Dani my intentions of marrying her and that I was sorry this happened.

1 Year ago today Dani told me she would Marry me right now if I asked.

1 year ago today I gave up cigarettes.

6 Months and 1 week ago I had my last chemo treatment and went into remission.

My wife Dani and I had a wonderful day today. Hope yours was well. A toast to all. Especially to all who have had to deal with Cancer. Cheers.”

Katching Kitty Kats and Kitty In peril [L]

This Morning we were out the door with a mission: Get some Cats. Those cats on my webshot pages have grown since their birth ca. 7/06 and we grew attached, feeding them everyday, even after we left. But they're Wild and only intensive training could reverse that. But what's worse is the Mother gave birth to another round a few weeks ago. So we decided to intervene.

Alley Cat Allies, in conjunction with DC Humane Society, have a Monthly free clinic where they spay/neuter feral/wild cats as long as you re-release them. The ear is "tipped" so animal control will know they have been “fixed” and there is no need to catch/euthanize these animals since they are sterile.

As one humane society employee explained: they’re just like city squirrels or rats. Wild and usually untameable. But very adept at surviving. And as we have seen first hand, feral/wild cats form colonies. Helping each other out.

But we had to catch them with traps provided by The Humane Society. They gave us four. It’s your basic(?) trap. A spring-loaded front that’s connected to a trip plate near the back. After “arming the front you put the bait (cat food) behind the trip plate in the back through the back door. You have to make sure you secure the back door otherwise a thrashing wild cat may break out.

Last night, we set a trap. We didn't feed them the day before and when I arrived with the trap one of the adolescence, Corky, came up, waiting. I put the trap down and entered our old apt. Within 10 minutes Corky sprung the trap! She freaked, as expected. We rushed out and covered the trap with a towel and brought her inside. Her moans were difficult to ignore. Her eyes made us feel guilty: “Why have you done this?” We had to convince ourselves we were doing the right thing. We set another trap and waited for an hour with no luck.

Corky:

We didn’t want to do it but we left Corky, alone in the trap in our abandoned apartment. We still had keys. We couldn’t bring her in until 815AM the next Morning. Dani found it difficult to leave her and vowed we would be back at 4AM. I thought she was being crazy. We didn’t get home around 11PM. Exhausted. No way were we getting up at 4AM…….

The alarm went off at 4. Fuck! I was so tired. I wanted to rip the clock out of the wall. Dani hit snooze, a lot. Around 545 she had me up and drinking coffee. We were out the door by 6AM. We live 1.8miles (by road) from our old apt. We were there in no time. I set a trap and as soon as I walked away up comes socks. The other adolescent we were so attached to. I ran into our old apt and we waited. Corky was calm and in her cage. Within a few minutes Socks was in the trap eating but she wasn’t tripping the mechanism! Fuck we thought. But moments later she stepped on the plate and we had her! She didn’t freak as bad as her sibling Corky until I was hovering over her with another towel. I brought her in and sat her next to Corky. Now was the time they would both start moaning. Oy Vey was that unpleasant.

Socks:

Now was the time for the big Fish. We wanted the Calico. She was the adult female breeder. We were somewhat positive that the new litter was weaned and it would be OK to trap the Queen of the Colony.

Tangent – it’s 623PM and Alley Cat just called for us to pick up the wild ones. We can’t. They misled us or mis-communicated some vital facts to us. Dani tells ‘em we’ll pick ‘em up in the Morning.

I set the third trap and head inside. In 15-20 minutes we get a response

Dani: Here comes another cat!

Me: It’s the Male (The Tom)

Dani: Dammit! We want the Calico! Make it go away!

This is so unexpected. We rarely see the Tom, he is the most elusive/skittish and wasn’t even considering him a target.

Me: He’s circling the trap. Why don’t we want the Tom? He’s half the “problem”.

Dani: we don’t have room for all these cats.

Me: We’ll stack ‘em if we have to

We couldn’t believe how successful this was. We were worried we wouldn’t get the adolescents, much less the adults. We were debating what to do with the Tom but He decided the issue for us.

Me: He’s in the trap. We gotta go with it.

Dani: OK. But if we get him he’s going to be a handful

Me: He’s eating the food….dammit! He’s eating, got one paw beyond the spring release but the rest of his body isn’t moving. He might eat the whole thing and not spring the trap!

Such amateurs. We watched him eat for what seemed like too long. Then, he moved “wrong”

Me: He’s trapped! Gimmee the towel!

I run down there to see one pissed off beast from hell. I double-check the backdoor of the trap to make sure it’s secure. It is but I’m still nervous. The thing looks near 15lbs and is as pissed as a trapped wild cat can be. All I can think about is if it gets loose in the car then we might not survive. It’s thrashing around, paws reaching out past the cage. On occasion it bites the cage. Soon, the Toms paws are bloody from its rage. Reluctantly, I bring the beast in and set our fourth trap. We want the Calico.

We wait about a half hour but nothing happens. We need to get the cats to the clinic between 815 and 900 so we decide to leave the set trap and come back. We’re worried about fitting in 3 of these traps into my Nissan Sentra anyway. I put the back seat down and load the Tom first. I jam him in between my seat and the back of the trunk. It’s an extra precaution to make sure he can’t get out. We then load the two young ones, cover all the cages and head out. We are near the 1300 block of Georgia Avenue and need to get to the 7100 block. It’s @730. We are expecting some morning traffic and some very upset kitties.

Just to be safe – I tell Dani that no matter what, if a cat gets out of its cage while we are driving then we bail, regardless of anything else.

They are silent the whole way. Must be shock. How nice for us. Would be perfect except for the smell of canned cat food filling the air. Ugh. I think we both fought nausea the entire way.

We get to the clinic around 8. We are first followed quickly by two more people. A not so happy women helps us process. The Alley Cat tech won’t arrive for another 15 minutes so a Humane person helps us. Again, a very unhappy Humane person. A not so helpful Humane person. Probably underpaid and under appreciated but still. I’m on @4 hours of sleep, Dani maybe 3. Tic-Tac-Toe could confuse me right now.

Then she drops the bomb: Tells us they’ll be ready at 5 and we’ll need to pick them up then, keep them in the cage for @24hours for recovery at our place and then release them.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were told they would keep them for up to 36 hours then we could release them right after pick up. Assholes. OK. I’m being harsh. Maybe they’re hoping to cut costs but we live deep in the city and have a cat of our own cat that would not, under any circumstances, understand. Our cat was once feral/stray. It would rather eat a kitty than share its turf, caged or not, capisce?

So we nod in agreement and leave with no intention of picking them up today. Or if we do then we release them today. No recovery in a “safe house”. Under this program they only kill if they discover the animal could not survive release. So we aren’t worried about telling them when we’ll pick up the cats.

She also tells us if we caught the Calico then we have to wait until the next day to bring her in! Damn it! We want to turn in our keys and get our check from the settlement. We drive back to the trapping field and find an empty trap. We’re kind of relieved. Guess we’ll trap without the convenience of the old apt. We plan to try again tomorrow at the crack of dawn. We put the trap into our car and head home.

At home we find our Kitty in peril.

Kitty Peril

As soon as we get home Dani notices Annie is “not right”. And she’s right. On October 10/14 (Saturday), we had to take Annie to the DC Vet ER. It was around 5PM that she started to exhibit some weird behavior – trying to crap (or so we thought) everywhere and moaning. She would squat in her litter box and tense up. For too long. Then leave and find some corner to try and go. Then she vomited so out the door we went. Arriving at 815PM. I think we only waited 45 minutes. Much better than a human ER. Anyway she had a bladder infection. She was trying to pee, not poo. She also has a over active Thyroid and a heart murmur. The murmur may be secondary to the thyroid issue. They gave us some kitty scripts and we were gone. She responded almost immediately to the drugs.

Fast Forward to Monday, 10/23 and she is exhibiting the same symptoms. She’s done with her meds so we need to take her back. The ER seems quite busy, no one returns our call so Dani calls her regular vet and they squeeze us in for 11AM. Out the door at 1030AM with Annie. At this place, they want us to leave her for a while and take x-rays. Fine. They call us shortly after because the x-rays reveal some serious damage to her hip/thigh bones.

Dani: Yes. I got her as a stray. She had x-rays at your office in 2003, it should be on record. The last Dr thought she was either hit by a car or was severly abused before I got her.

Doctor:

Dani: I don’t know what it’s from. I don’t know how old she is. I got her as a stray.

Dani hates when she sees a new Doctor. It’s obvious they’re thinking Dani might have abused the Annie and I guess they need to explore that but it still sucks.

Around 4PM We go to pick her up. The hospital is on P St, NW. just off of Dupont Circle. I got find Parking. I drop her off and circle twice with no luck. It’s the beginning of Rush Hour/s so street parking is forbidden on P. I decide to stop in front and put my hazards on, car in gear and running. I don’t even see the fucking Meter Nazi until she slaps a ticket on my hood. Fucking Assholes! Snuck up from behind. I get out and say thanks and some other words. Arguing is pointless once the ticket is generated, its all computerized. It’s cold, my cars running and I’m in front of the animal hospital. Could she not just tell me to move on? No, that would be the decent thing to do. They wonder why they’re not liked.

Assholes

Luckily, I’ve got time to fight it, maybe at least get it reduced.

I’ve got a ticket so might as well park there for real and head in. Just in time for Dani to be finishing up. Home we go but Dani is “not right”.

Kitty has an enlarged Lymph node in her Lung and an enlarged Liver. Her Kidneys may be failing. We’ll know more Later. Meantime, two vet visits, drugs, future radiologist diagnostic and $100 Parking fine has cost us nearly $1000. And Dani is convinced, I’m sure, that she needs to make The Decision regarding Annie. Not from cost, for those of you who might not know my Wife, but from medical issues that will only get worse and the quality of Life deteriates. She Loves that cat more than anything but she won’t let her suffer needlessly.

And we are supposed to go camping this weekend with nearly 2 dozen people from thebackpacker.com. I’ve met a few of them and was so looking forward to meeting more. And I so needed to get out before winter ends my 3 season backpacking. I’ve had a string of trip cancellations in the last year and a half and each one I cancel hurts me more. It’s like bad Cabin fever, depression and all that fun stuff. Dani knows this. But money and looming Decision makes this trip unlikely. Going away knowing this might be her last week is just wrong. Dani might be willing to go on this trip for my sake but I certainly can not take her from what may be Annie’s last week.

‘Scuse me, Annie’s vomiting froth right now. Okay. She’s in my lap and purring. She just wanted attention. Whenever Kitty what’s to be in one of our laps (which is whenever a lap is formed), she comes up to you, sits upright, and lightly claws your knee without scratching. It’s an impressive display of control. So, to continue, we stay home and hope the decision is not needed. I certainly will have no regrets, capisce?

Tuesday 10/24

Dani wakes me at 530. ugh. Out the door by 6ish to set the 4^th trap for that Hussy. We set it and return home. About 745 we head back. No hussy. The food in the front of the trip plate, just inside the trap, is untouched. Crap. Maybe she’s trying to keep her kittens warm? I think it dropped under 40 overnight. She might have been “almost trapped” before. They say once a cat is trapped or escapes a trap attempt it will never fall for it again.

We close the trap and put the food in a dish on the ground. We don’t want to trap her after we get to the clinic and then have to keep her in it overnight. Off to the clinic to pick up her family. We get there, throw them in the car and head back to our old apt. Once again, not a peep or a movement from them in the car. From these inactions I make an erroneous assumption and bring them up to the yard from the car without the towels covering the cage. The Tom flips out worst than when we first caught him. He thrashes back and forth in his tiny cage. The power of his hits are impressive. I almost believe he could break out if given the time. He looks up at me as Dani frantically opens the back door, risking her fingers. His nose is bloodied from the thrashing. I’m actually worried that he might attack once out.

He’s out and in one bound is on top of our neighbors 6-6.5 ft fence and out of sight. I would say he was gone in 1-2 seconds. Corky and Socks are freaked out but not as bad. They head towards the roof of the neighbors car port. Dani fills two bowls with canned cat food and Socks struts nonchalantly back to the yard for some eats.

I heard we would still be friends. It was nice to be reassured.

*NOTE* - I don't have pictures of the Tom. He was way too pissed of. But he looked just like the black and white except his paws and nose was bloody from trying to bust out. #&%!$er scared the #&%!$ out of us.

The Horrible Truth About Their Names

We had to name the Colony: Belmont

Black Adolescent with white lower legs/white chest: “Socks”

The all Black Adolescent: “Corky”

We had to name the Colony for the clinic program. We had to name the kittens but we didn’t want to get to close. Hence the lame name “socks”. Corky just came to me. She seemed a little slow, her eyes set a little too close together…..remember that show Life Goes On? Yes, I’m a horrible person and I’m going to Hell.

But I’ve got a Kitty in my lap, purring and pawing my left arm so I’ll stop typing and pet her. If I stop typing and raise my hand from the keyboard but don’t pet her then she’ll form a scoop with her paw and drag my hand to her chin that she just made available by lifting her head. How cool is that?

Kitty says: Life is Goooooooooood!

kitty enjoying some of my whiskey on our ex-futon at our old apartment

I agree with Kitty

Peace

The Settlement [L]

Have I discussed this? Our Lawyer settled our dispute with the new landlord of our old building. We get out within 30 days (by 10/25) and we owe nothing. We take the deal, of course. So we get back all our rent that we put into escrow minus our lawyer fees. She was more than generous with us. I think she felt bad. On the itemized list was .5 hours for consultation. That was well under the actual time. She took about a 4^th of our escrow money. So you could say our settlement was 3/4ths of a year rent free living. Not so bad considering we had no legal standing. To reiterate: in DC you have to show cause to evict a tenant. Otherwise you pay to get them out. The stubborn ones anyway, and that’s what we were going for. Often it’s in the high 5-figure area. But the new owner only owned that one building in DC, a 4 unit building. If it was a 5 unit building, or if he owned more than one building, then we could have stuck it out. But the one “loophole” (from a tenant view) allows single building, less than 5 unit owners pretty much free will to do as they want. It’s kind of understandable, they want to protect the small businessperson. But it sucked for us.

We tell our Lawyer that we are going to keep the keys for a while in hopes of catching the feral cats. Once we turn in the keys we get the check.

I'm Back. Verizon Sucks! [L]

Hello Everybody! I'm trying to catch up but Verizon didn't make it easy!

All We wanted Was To Transfer Our Service.

This is a tale of complete incompetence, starting in September and ending Yesterday. This tale encompasses screw ups on the National and Regional Level. Some of this is second hand from Dani. In the final days we often handed off the call to the supervisor out of frustration. In fact, I think we both talked to just about every one.

And Let me clarify one more thing: We could have gone to WiFi as soon as we moved. Two things made us hesitate: 1) The laptop is not ours and we would have to buy an adapter. B) We did not want to pay a penalty fee (~$100 maybe?) to end our DSL contract early.


August
Disconnect Verizon landline. We have two Sprint cells and don't really use the landline. They set up the number as a “Dry Loop” for our DSL and assure us it will be a seamless. Transfer. I won’t go into details on that but it didn’t seem “seamless” to us.

September
Inform Verizon we are moving. Need DSL transferred to new apt (apt address provided.

We are Informed we will have service no later than October 2nd (from billing) and the transfer will be "seamless".

After that deadline passes we call. Told they can’t hook us up until October 12th. They need to “test the line”. Seems someone made a mistake somewhere. We are slightly annoyed. They give us our new dry loop number.

October 10th
Dani Receives an email stating DSL up. Mistake. Order still “pending” according to tech support.

October 11th
Receives an automated phone call that DSL is up. Ignored

October 12th
No DSL. Call to tech support, run tests. Their system show we have DSL. I assure them we do not. Our modem DSL light is flashing green and we have no internet light. Troubleshooting on my end shows everything is connected properly but we are not connecting to any network. I assume their diagnostics say something similar, minus the connectivity. Of course I learn quickly that assuming anything like this with Verizon is a mistake. They tell us a tech will call us on the 13th

October 13th
Miss call from local tech. The caller leaves a message to call the 1-800 number. I immediately call back. Tech support confused. Sees that we have two accounts: The old number & the new number. Tells me I have to call Billing and straighten it out. In the meantime since I missed the call they have to start a new “ticket” and I have to call back after 6PM to start the process all over. I respond: 'WTF?'. he says its 'Corporate Policy'.

Nice to know I should take my phone to the crapper with me.

I reply in a not so pleasant tone:

‘We will not start the process from scratch. This is Bull#&%!$. We could get WiFi and certainly refuse payment for Verizon internet this month since we haven’t had access and we can certainly refuse to pay any early disconnect penalty since you can’t provide us with the service. And I’ll be sure to send all this info to the BBB. Let me speak to your supervisor’

After 15 minutes or so on hold I get a supervisor. I relay all the above History and repeat my my little speech. I then add: ‘I’m the nice one. My Wife is gonna be Livid when she gets home.’ My tone seems to be much worse. He asks me if anyone had discussed the possibility that a tech would have to come to our house and when I could time would be. I said no. nor did anyone tell us that we needed to answer the phone. Seems something was incorrect on the “Ticket”

#&%!$ing incompetence on every level.

All he can do is send a ticket ASAP but we probably won’t be seeing anyone today since their schedules are probably already set and the techs are on the road. He’ll send the ticket for Saturday but he’s not sure that our regional office works on Saturday.

Great. Thanks. He then says what becomes an infuriating line to hear from them: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Saturday, we hear nothing. We aren’t surprised.

October 16th
Verizon calls in the Morning to inform me someone will be stopping in before 7PM. This is the important call I missed on Friday? They call me to tell me someone will be coming by? They need to hear my #&%!$ing voice the day the work is scheduled? What kind of #&%!$ing bull#&%!$ is that??????


Of course, No one shows up. After 7PM Dani calls verizon to ask: What the #&%!$?”. Verizon informs us the tech who was scheduled to stop by was calling the dry loop number all day trying to get a hold of us.

Calling the dry loop number? How incompetent is that? They’ve called my cell number twice to set up a visit and the tech calls the dry loop number? All day, mind you. Call the number and you get an automated message saying the number isn’t in service. Complete moron.

Dani asks to speak to the Supervisor. After waiting for about 10 minutes she gets disconnected. I call back and wait. I get connected and go through the spiel again. But I tell him we will discontinue service. Then Dani takes over.

Good Cop Bad Cop

Complete incompetence.

The Supervisor assures Dani 3 times that we will have service on Tuesday, October 17th. He will Flag the ticket. I’m so done but Dani wants to try.

October 17th.
I get a call from Verizon dispatch supervisor: ‘Due to inclement weather and a problem with our system your ticket was misplaced and a tech will not be out today. Would tomorrow be acceptable?’

Me: No

Her: What time this week would be acceptable?

Me: No time is acceptable

Her: How about Saturday?

Me: I’m sorry, you don’t understand. I’m done with your incompetence. One of your techs tries to get a hold of us through our dry loop number and now you screw up another ticket that was flagged? What kind of morons work for you? I want a tech here today or we cancel our service.

Moron: I understand and am sorry, Sir, but I can’t guarantee a tech for today.

Me: That’s a surprise. Then I want to cancel.

Dani: Give me the phone.

Dani: Ma’am, we were assured by a supervisor that a tech would be here today. The ticket was flagged.

Moron: I understand. But as I explained to your Husband, Blah blah blah.

Dani: Well then I agree with my Husband, you’re all completely incompetent. I wish to cancel my Service.

Moron: I’ll transfer you to Billing.

Dani gets on the phone with billing and tells our story for the umpteenth time. Billing is looking at our records and is “appalled”. She credits our account 3 months and transfers us to Customer Solutions.

Customer “Solutions”?

Customer Solutions is looking at our record, including, I believe, all the phone calls and is quite unhappy. She puts Dani on hold while she contacts our local Tech “Support”. She gets back telling us she had to go through 3 supervisors before one told her: ‘The Ticket is open. Someone will be there today’. She seemed a bit frustrated, also.

She makes us a deal. If someone doesn’t stop by today we can cancel our service tomorrow and they will waive the penalty fee for ending the contract early. What the Hell. We’ve got a couple of hours to go and we don’t need to hold our breaths. Fine.

The Hours pass and nothing happens, as expected.

October 18th. 0827
Someone calls Dani’s number. I ignore it but am hopeful because at this point it’s comical. Dani checks her voicemail on speaker phone.

You might be able to guess who called but I’ll bet anything you’ll never guess what the message said……..





Are you ready?






Here goes:


‘Welcome to Verizon DSL Service. We hope you received your Kit. If you have any questions feel free to call us at 1-800-whatever.’



ROFLMFAO! No #&%!$ing joke! Or maybe it was? Anyway, later that day Dani completed the cut. At Noon I bought a wireless adapter.

We have all the names and employ ID’s of the Supervisors we talked to. We have confirmation numbers for our credit and the waiver for the cancellation fee.

Verizon will be getting some mail from us. Along with a record of our minutes on the phone with them. Ever been on hold waiting for a Supervisor? I think they have a minimum time to keep you on hold in hopes of making you go away. God Bless speaker phone! And Whiskey! Still, I lost track of how many times we did that. Suffice to say, we are done with them.

All we wanted was a transfer of our service.

I Kicked Mono's Ass!/Goodbye For Now [L]

Mono Shmono?
OK. Mono sucked ass but I think I beat it early. I first noticed symptoms on Monday, 9/4. Sore throat and fatigue being the big two. And fever. By friday, 9/22 my sore throat was gone. That's 2 weeks and 4 days? I've heard 6 weeks for symptoms to go away. Man, that would really suck. I hated swallowing. I mean, it really sucked. I had a hellish time staying hydrated. Who wants to drink water when every swallow hurts? I learned to not swallow unless I really needed to. Think about it. Sometimes you just swallow.

Or has everyone had Mono? For those that haven't. You're frikken Lucky. Is this odd coming from someone who just beat Cancer? Perhaps. Dani says I was more miserable after chemo and I trust her. But Mono sucked. I had no desire for anything those 2 weeks and 4 days. All I wanted to do was sleep and not feel pain when swallowing. That was it. Period. I slept 12-18 hours/day. I would wake up semi-delusional. Unrested. I was kind of freaked out that I wanted nothing else that whole time. It was........unique in my experiences. And Frightening. I've never been so knocked out for so long. Although it did make me realize one thing: I wasn't an alcoholic. I drank nothing in that time period and didn't miss it a bit. I was starting to worry about my consumption level until then. ;) :D

On Monday I go see the Doc and get some blood work done. Maybe they'll give me the all clear? If I beat it in under 3 weeks then I must say, my immune system kicks ass! But I couldn't do it without Dani's care. God bless her. Again, I get sick and she just takes over. Giving me the best chance there is to a speedy recovery. Of course once I was diagnosed with mono we put kissing on hold. I haven't really kissed my wife in weeks. That really sucks ass. On occassion we slip up. But God forbid she gets it. We even got another tube of toothpaste so no mixing would occur.

On another front - just before I was diagnosed with mono we went out to dinner with Eric & Lori. I knew I was ill at that point but they invited us to Nora's. High end all Organic Restaurant in DC. Couldn't say no. At one point, I reluctantly(?) tried Eric's Brandy. We told them I had something but they said 'go ahead, the alcohol will kill anything.' So far, they are "clean". But I feel so fucking guilty. Mono, EBV, can lie dormant. I knew better, even though I wasn't sure what I had. You never know what you have. I think that is the moral of the story. If they come done with EBV then it's all my fault. That sucks ass. I'd rather have EBV for months then give it to someone b/c I was stupid. Especially them. They would do anything for us.

Goodbye
It's 1:30AM EDT. Our Movers come at 8AM. Since I have Mono we thought this was best. Besides all our friends being out of town........until my Dr. says I'm clean, I have Mono. One has to worry about Liver/Spleen rupture during Mono. No contact sports, NO lifting. If friends helped us move I would feel compelled to help. I really need my Liver. One can live without a spleen but it really is in your best interest to keep it. Plus any ruptured organ can be a kind of life threatening situation. We pay Movers and I won't feel compelled to help them.

But we are losing our internet. Verizon sucks ass anyway so no big deal. We have WiFi but no card. Yet. We need to buy a card. Until then, no internet. But the place is really nice. It's a basement apartment but that doesn't do it justice. The back is almost at ground level. The windows give it almost as much sunlight as our current fully ground level apartment does. And overall, it's nicer than our current apartment. It's deeper in the 'hood but way nicer. It's further away from all the fugly/condo/gentrification shit.

And it's ours. This place was Dani's before I moved in. And it's kind of sad. I proposed to Dani in this apartment. And we got rid of the futon she was on when I proposed. But nothing physical lasts forever. And there are a lot of bad vibes associated with this place. So tomorrow we start our lives again, in our place that we picked out together. I'm very excited and so is she.

So, until we have an internet connection: Peace.

Wallowing in self-pity. EBV [L,C]

Sometimes I just can't help it. Sorry. The Doctor (Nurse Practitioner, actually) confirmed EBV but no strep. Often they go hand in hand. Strep being very opportunistic. The EBV is probably secondary to Hodgkins. My immune system being down still, coupled with the CT/PET scans only 8 days apart and all the radioactive compounds I had to ingest. And add the extreme anxiety I was feeling that they didn't quite get all the Cancer. I had a big EBV target on my ass. Something like 80% of the population has it. I probably picked it up in the frikken hospital during one of my scans.

Kind of ironic that EBV is often associated with Hodgkins but in my case it seems like my Hodgkins is associated with EBV.

I can handle most of the symptoms; loss of appetite, fever, depression, weakness, fatigue, muscle aches. The sore throat sucks beyond description. Especially when I wake up. I try so hard not to swallow. The pain just spreads from my throat to my ears. Never felt anything like it. I use a throat spray every 2 hours and pop ibuprofen as often as possible. Sweating this out sucks. Nothing I can do but go to a High Protein diet in order to boost my immune system.

One of The biggest concern with EBV is swelling of the spleen and liver, with possible ruptures. meaning I can do no heavy lifting. We move in 2 weeks. Dani had to spell it out to me: I'm going to be useless for moving. FUCK. I feel worse for Dani then myself. 95% of my life I've been healthy. 95% of the time Dani has known me I've been seriously ill. I think the stress on her is worst than on me. All I would like to do is take care of Her and here I sit, once again too ill to be of much good to anyone.

Keeping up my spirits during my Hodgkins fight was easy somehow. Now I just feel too tired.

I've Got Mono? WTF! [L,C]

Been feeling like crap for over a week. Fever coming and going. Headache, loss of appetite, sluggish, a little dizzy. Yesterday I went in to see what was up. They took some blood and put me on azithromycin, just in case, b/c I've been running a fever on and off for a week. Got a voicemail today telling me I tested positive for Mono and still waiting on the Strep test. I have another appt tomorrow.WTF? I get this far and my immune system craps out on me? I tested negative for CMV and EBV last year when I was diagnosed with the Big C so this is a recent exposure. Very disappointed in my immune system but very relieved I have something "normal" and somewhat "innocuous".

But gone might be the days when I bragged about my immune system. How depressing...

The Prick Wins [L]

Is that worth $800,000? What a dumbass.

Friday, Sept 8. Dinnertime.
The Asshole won't stop knocking. Dani finally agrees to allow me to answer it. It's gonna be the same old fight. the Fucktard thinks because he bought the building he can come over anytime to "take measurements". Forget the numerous building code violations. He just wants us out so he can convert to Condos. Shithead has never asked for rent or for a new lease. he refuses to go through our lawyer. So we don't let him in, ever. That's our right. Today he came by with a letter:"This is to notify you that the keys to the main building and the respective units will be changed by the owner of the building, John Fucktard, on 9/11/06. If you are not tresspassing and you are a legal tenant, you may pick up a set of keys from the Landlord's attorney at the address below:"

In effect an attempt at intimidation and wrongful eviction. I read it and then went ballistic. John Fucktard is at least 6', 250-300, of African descent. I was in his face screeming at him and jabbing my finger in his face. Much to Dani's amusement, the Man started to cower. :pThis was not the first letter threatening to change the locks. We also got an illegal "notice to vacate" letter from the Fucktard. he always comes over on the weekend after hours. One time it was Easter Sunday. I want to do this man some harm.

Dani sent me away, afraid I was gonna smack him and started to talk to him. That accomplished nothing of course. He has no respect or concern for us. A letter off to the Lawyer and we sat. Unsure if we wanted to sweat this out anymore. We've been fighting with several assholes on and off since August '05. So tired of the stress and anxiety. Saturday Morning our Lawyer emailed us back screaming bloody murder, threatening a wrongful eviction suit.

Monday Morning. We don't have to wait long. Two large Men come out of a van with drills. Followed by Fucktard. Dani call's 911 as I head out the door. I tell the Men to step away, the cops are on the way. they have no idea whats going on but decide it would be best to go back to the truck. Dani, on the phone, reports that some men are breaking into our building using drills. :DFirst cop car shows up in minutes. A second one a few minutes later. Long story short - we allow him to change the front door lock to the building. That is his right. The cops wait until its done and see that we get keys.We've been fighting for this place since August 2005. This Fucktard has owned the building since last March. Unfortunately for us, he owns no other buildings in DC. It's the one loophole in rent control laws. We can't win.Over the weekend we found a place. Deeper in the 'hood, not yet gentrified.” Away from all the Condo building. For now.

False Alarm [C,L]

So much going on. So little time.

PET Scan Negative. Still some increased uptake but Bone Marrow almost normal again. Jesus Fucking Christ that sucked monkey butt! the abnormal CT scan, the itching, spiking a Fucking fever or two. I was so worried. So worried about the worst case scenario that I didn't discuss it with Dani. I wasn't sure she knew all the consequences. And I didn't post it here for that same reason. we discussed it afterwards. She was there with me all along. How silly of me to think other wise, eh?

I was sure they had missed it in the Bone Marrow. I had asked them to take another biopsy at the end of treatment but they assured me that was not neccesary. So I sat there, worried. Survival odds suck as if they didn't get it all the first time around. With Hodgkins I had maybe a 40% survival chance. I would need chemo/radiation and a Fucking Bone Marrow Transplant. We would have to find donors. I would be in the hospital, in near quarantine for 6 months or so. The Anxiety was almost too much. I'm thinking this gets easier, no?

Pissing off the Gods
I've bragged too much about my Immune system. As stated earlier, Two days after my Pet Scan (10 days after my CT Scan) I started to feel not so well. fever, sinus pressure/headache, dizziness, loss of appetite. The symptoms are still with me. They come and go like my body almost shakes it but not quite. Never been in this position. Never had trouble with an infection. Whenever I say stuff like this Dani says: "You've never had Cancer before".

The Most Wonderful Women In The World
We have had to cancel our trip, twice. Once because of our nervousness over the PET Scan results. And this past week over our living situation. It's getting ugly or could get ugly and we have to leave ASAP. But Sunday I woke up and there was a note attached to a wad of money. The note said:

'Baby, why don't you go to REI, get what you need and go backpacking for a few days. I'll miss you but I love you and know you need this.'

I didn't go. Didn't want to anymore. There will be time for other trips. In the meantime we have to deal with the new owner of the building. A Prick From Hell.......

PET Scan [C]

8/31/06
Got a call from my Dr.'s Nurse Coordinator on the 30th asking if a Scan on the 31st at 3:30 was OK. Of course we accepted it and it was nice that we didn't cancel our trip for nothing. Kind of sucked having it in the afternoon as oppossed to my usual early morning appointments because you have to fast for 6 hours prior, only water allowed. I'd rather sleep through that. Forty Five minutes into my fast, feeling groggy, I pop one of our left over wedding mints into my mouth. as soon as I ate it I thought: "What the Fuck did I do that for"? I've probably had 1 or 2 since the wedding and I decide to eat one now? being the paranoid freak I am I call the PET Center to make sure I didn't screw up.

Better safe then sorry. We get to the Center and they do the usual IV of radioactive glucose, set me up in a waiting area and hand me 2 quarts of the Barium crap. I ask her WTF do i need to drink that for? I've never had it for a PET. She tells me its SOP now for all PET Scans and that its not as nasty as the Barium for the CT Scan. Crap. more radioactive crap. And my CT scan was on the 23rd, 8 days ago. With all the lights off you can detect a light glow eminating from my body. I wait an hour they strap me in and thankfully, even though I had coffee in the morning I fall asleep. I was worried I would not be able to sleep. Thirty minutes with no movement allowed would drive me crazy.

Now we wait. The waiting part is the fun part. Dani will assume I have cancer and will need chemo/radiation this time around. I will assume I don't have Cancer and not think about it.

In the meantime, we will go on a little trip starting this upcoming Sunday Night. Avoiding Labor Day Traffic at all costs.

Wedding T-1 Day. [L]

Friday, 7/7/06
Dani & I Head out to the Farm to set up. Her family stays in town to do more of the tourist thang and buy earrings for Dani. This wedding was put together using no professionals what so ever. I need to give some major credit to everyone who helped us put this together:

Eric & Lori: Donated the Location; Country Pleasures Farms. A beautiful Orchard Farm on rolling hills near Frederick MD. They do have cows and chickens but primarily it's an Orchard, Organic. Eric was one of the first Certified Organic Farmers in Maryland and helped organize the Organic "movement" in Maryland.

Tony & Lori: Donated the Flowers and the decorations, and set up, floral and the dinning/party area. The Flowers were from their farm in LaPlata, MD. Lori was a co-worker of Dani until her just recent retirement and Dani's raises Bees with Lori on her farm.

Dani works for Eric & Lori on Sunday at the Dupont Farmers Market and for Tony & Lori on Saturday at the Old Town Alexandria Farmers Market.

Courtney: Friday's Party

Dani: The Menu.

Phil: Booze, of course :D

Many Friends: Set up

Out at the farm: We set up. Dani and I start in. I put the chairs in the truck but we need Eric to transport the chairs down to where the ceremony to take place. I mean, I could work his standard but the clutch may not survive. Dani comes down to help out, setting up chairs and all is ready for Saturday.



Back to the barn we go to finish setting up what we can. Lori & Tony will be by later to finish what we can't do. we need to head back to DC for the Party. Kind of a dinner rehearsal for family and close friends. For several reasons we decided not to have Bridesmaids/Groomsmen. The main reason was we had been through so much already, this day was gonna be the way we wanted it. Simple, elegant, and completely about us. Thank God our Family's aren't stereotypical and were really pleased with everything. Some might consider that "selfish". We do not prescribe to that theory. we did have de facto brides/grooms peeps. Well Dani had an entourage and I had my oldest friend, Andy, as my de facto Best man. And though I go many years without seeing him, when we do see each other it's like a day hasn't past since we last hung out.

A Comedy(?) of Errors
Back home, Dani went down to the B&B to gather the family. We would meet at the corner and then walk up to Courtneys for the Party which was gonna start at 7:30ish. At some point, I started drinking. Andy calls me to say he missed his turnoff on the Beltway. He was coming in from Fredonia. Instead of heading into DC he was headed through Northern Virginia. That wasn't good. I was gonna have to navigate him almost all the way there using an Atlas, over the phone. At some point My brother and his entouirage called me with some navigation questions.

BTW - I haven't seen most of my family for a long time, Late 90's. Supposedly all 3 of my Brothers were coming along with my Mom. Hence my nerves and my alcohol consumption. as my older Brother Jeff kept pointing out, all of us have not been in the same room, much less the same house, in a few decades.

the details are foggy but Dani is on her way to the Party. My Family is on there way to the Party. Dani thinks I'll be there before she. Meanwhile, I'm Navigating Andy through Northern Va. & DC. once I get off the phone with him I call Dani and catch her just before she gets to Courtney's. She's a "little" surprised I'm not there yet and doesn't want to go in without me. I apologize and explain the difficulties as I head out, just me and a full flask of Makers Mark. Courtney's is only a few blocks so Dani does not have to wait long.

The Party
I'm kind of a wreck walking up the stairs. I assume my family is gonna embarass the shit out of me and Dani has not met them yet. Oy Vey.We get in and there are a shit load of people there. i don't think I knew everyone. I'm confused, thinking it was gonna be a bit more intimate but very happy it's not. I can melt into the crowd and let Dani take the spotlight, reluctantly. I assume as the groom I should be confused, not sure of exactly what has and has not been planned.

And, as I need to remind most, my memory has yet to recover from my treatments. In fact, as I write this my memory gaps are very apparent and Dani has been filling in the gaps.

But the Party went well, The food and alcohol were excellent, and everyone got along surprisingly weel. My youngest brother (-2yrs) was unable to make it so we'll see him at the Wedding. Andy will be spending the night with us.

Wedding T-2 Days. 7/6/06 [L]

OK. Sorry for the delay. Truth is that day is all kind of a blur. I might ask Dani to edit. I was also hoping to hotlink photos but webshots decided to "update" their software. That means everythings fucked up and nothings running smoothly, of course. I can't even seem to host webshot photos through ImageShack. I spent an hour or so screwing around with webshots. I'll use images off of my PC and host them on imageshack. Why the hell do I have webshots? Anyway:

Thursday, 7/6/06
Dani's Mother, Sister, and two nieces arrive at National Airport from Missouri, around 10AM. The nieces are pilots, apparently



Lauren is on our left and Rachel on the right.

This is the first time I've met them but it was like I knew them. It was very nice that her Mother expressed the same sentiment. Her nieces were little energizer bunnies on Meth. After we set them up at their B&B on 14th & T St., we all headed down to the National Mall. we did the almost-complete-tourist thang:

WWII Memorila -> Vietnam War Memorila -> Lincoln Memorial.

This aint the easiest thing to do on foot. After the sites we headed home for Dani's famous Veggie Lasagna. On top of that dani's friends, our friends, Lizard, Molly, and Courtney stopped by. Words can not describe them. Great People and Dani has the most amazing circle of friends I've ever experienced.

The nieces, The Terrible Two had worn out everyone but me, until the end, 12 hours after they got here. personally, I had a ton of fun with them. The in-laws and Dani were apologizing profusly for there actions but I enjoyed it. I didn't find them all that tiresome and after all, I can wash my hands of them at the end of the night.

We walked them to their B&B, came home and passed out.

Clarification On The Cancer Thang [C]

A Piece of Random Art in DC.

So, I think maybe my last two posts freaked some people out? At least that's what I've gathered from some calls to Dani & emails to me. And Honestly Dani & I freaked out on Friday. So much so that we cancelled a backpacking trip into the Adirondacks for this week in case the PET Scan was scheduled.

The question is: is this abnormal or is this gonna be a part of living with this crap? I'm gonna break it down here. Remember, I think while I type so God knows where this is going.

:D

I. What's the Danger?
Any Cancer that's not completely obliterated the first time around is gonna come back like a Bat out of Hell and will be more often deadly than not. Hence the Uber caution & concern of my Dr. Initially, the abnormal CT scan would not have worried her. However, I have itching that appears to have no source. These two events put my Dr. on alert.

II. Itching
Itching could be from skeeters, the 12+ types of flora growing wild in our backyard, reaction to the Barium in the CT scan, Hodgkins. I haven't had that type of itching since Friday so I'm hoping that's a good sign

III. Abnormal CT Scan
The scan showed my Bone Marrow Cells (Stem cells) were growing at an accelerated rate in my abdominal area. This was evident in my last PET scan in May. It was expected then and not too shocking now in the CT Scan. during chemo Stem cells grow rapidly in younger patients. Now they might be trying to regenerate from the damage of chemo.

IV. How Fucked Up Were My Stem Cells?
The day of my last treatment my Cell counts were low. Low enough to cancel chemo. Since it was my last one my Dr. authorized treatment. In fact, as a safety precaution the treatment Center needed verbal authorization along with the piece of paper from her telling them to do it. So I'm thinking chemo with a low cell count really knocks one's cell count way down. Furthermore, since it was my last treatment I wouldn't be taking my Neupogen shots which stimulates cell growth.

So at this point I'd like to note I was pretty damn immunocompromised after my last treatment and did not get sick. Props to my Immune System, no? :D

So having a young, Killer (pun intended) Immune System, it's regenerating at a rapid rate and throwing the scan off.

V. PET Scan
Has yet to be scheduled. In any case, I believe it will also record a "false positive". There will be glowing from my cells regenerating rapidly. However, if it were Cancer the PET would pick up more intense "Foci". From my Last negative PET Analysis:

1. No definite evidence for a FDG avid malignant tumor
2. Diffusely increased FDG uptake in the axial and appendicular skeleton consistent with bone marrow hyperplasia secondary to chemotherapy. While such intense activity limits evaluation of the skeleton, given this limitation, there are no discrete foci suspicious for osseous metastatases.

FDG being the radio-tagged Glucose. So the PET scan will pick up what the CT scan can not. Or in this case (knock on wood, puhleeze), pick up what is not there.

This of course is a "disadvantage" to a "Blood Cancer". Leukemia/Lymphoma can be found anywhere and it might be difficult to discern. But solid organ cancer still seems far worse to me; Lung, Breast, Ovarian, Prostate, etc. And I know of people who have had worse false positives, being told they have a tumor only to find out it was a mistake.

What Can We Do?
We're doing it. I'm being vigilant. Gone are the days where I casually ignore something that's not quite right. My Doctor is being vigilant. I think some Doctors would not be so quick to schedule a PET. Since there is nothing more we can do then I choose to not live in fear. It was wrong to cancel the trip but I say that in hindsight. I was unprepared. I guess stuff like this will happen for the rest of my life, maybe? Can't let it interfer with living life, eh?


If the Dr. doesn't call in the next two days we will be off to the 'Dacks after the Labor Day weekend. I mean, I'm not so crazy that I would drive on a Holiday weekend. That's just asking for it.

:D


Peace.

I Don't Frikken Believe This. [C]

OK. Before I Start I owe some stuff that I promise to post later.

7/8/06: Dani and I got Married

7/12/06: Our Honeymoon in the Adirondacks.

It's been a busy Month or so. I hope everyone got our Thank You's regarding the Wedding.

On to the Bullshit.

My last Post ("I Won") was Tuesday, 8/22/06. before my CT scan, no? I was worried. That post was a reflection of my worry. My drinking is getting a little borderline and I need to cut back. Soon. Very soon. :p Anyway, I'm paranoid. I try not to dwell on Cancer and I do a good job of it. Until an appointment for a scan draws near. So this past Monday & Tuesday I was a little itchy. I had been spending lots-o-time in the backyard with the Wild Kitties.....................have I talked about the wild kitties here? If not then I'll post something regarding that. Later. So I thought the itchiness was due to Skeeter bites from the backyard. We seem to have 1000's. Still, it was making me nervous. If you recall, I had ignored itching for many Months before I was diagnosed with Hodgkins. Itchiness being a prime indication of Hodgkins. So I was getting nervous. I think that's quite common.

Tuesday, 8/22/06. Night.
Boy did I get wasted! It was nerves. Some people think I'm brave. My bravery comes from a bottle. I'm so paranoid that I have trouble sleeping. Some of it is my anxiety regarding death. Most of it is worrying about Dani. I hate to see her suffer. I hate the pain and anxiety my health can cause her. You could prove to me that Paradise awaits me after I die but I would not want to leave her because it would devestate her.

Wednesday, 8/23/06
I wake up a little hung over. I need to fast before the scan so I stopped drinking around 1AM(?). I can only have water 4-6 hours up to the scan. No food but worst of all, no coffee. Dani wakes me up, I slink into the shower and soon we are out the door and I'm driving to the Hospital. I'm discombobulated, to say the least

We get to the hospital and I head to the PET Scan Floor. Dani stopped me and we squabbled over which Scan I was getting. She shoved the order in front of me: CT with Contrast. It's a Full Body scan, of course. Fuck! What a horrible "surprise". For a review: a PET involves radioactive Sugar injected into a vein. Piece-o-cake. Full body CT scan with contrast means I have to chug @ a quart of chalky "berry flavored" Barium, get a Barium enema, and a Barium IV. All on an empty stomach.

Although the technician was a Jamaican Hottie, I had a hard time relaxing my butt muscles. I was so psychologically unprepared. Of course, after the 30 minute procedure I need to find a restroom and it's not gonna be pretty. I pass on the one right outside the scan rooms because of all the "activity" around it. The next one is a little more secluded and has been my room of choice before. And I think I've had 3 or 4 trips to our bathroom in a few hours of getting home. Just spewing radioactive garbage out my bum. It's a nice, milky-whiteish/yellowish fluidish substance. TMI? :D

On Wednesday I notice my legs itch around my ankles. It's diffuse and there appears to be no exterior source. Fuck. Now I'm concerned. I'm hoping it's psychosomatic. I try not to itch in front of Dani. She notices, with concern, everytime I itch. Again, I don't want her to worry. I try to ignore it. I kind of block it out.

Thursday, 8/24/06
I wake up and I fight the urge to itch my leg. Fuck. Sometimes it's the left leg, sometimes the right. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. All my life I've ignored potential medical issues until they becom serious issues and I end up in the ER or under a Dentists tools and scowl. I'm done taunting death. I resolve to call my Doctor. But I don't want to tell Dani, yet. I want to hold out. Why make her worry if it's nothing? I wait nervously for her to leave. I hope she doesn't notice but she does. She can't put her finger on it, I can tell. When I first woke up she asks "What's wrong?" I explain it away that I'm tired. As soon as she leaves for work I look up the number for Lombardi Cancer Center.

They Patch me through to my Doctors Nurse Coordinator. I explain my itchiness, telling her I'm kind of freaked out about it. She is unaware that it is a symptom of Hodgkins and repeats "But I'm no Doctor" several times. I wonder if she's gotten in trouble before. Her lack of knowledge regarding Hodgkins Symptoms reminds me that She's "No Nurse", either.

How come Nurse coordinators can be so Fucking Ignorant? The one that worked for my first Dr. wasn't this stupid. My scheduled appointment after the CT was for the 5th of September. The Nurse asks me if I would like to come in tomorrow for peace of mind. I say yes and thank her. They squeeze me in for 1130-1145. Now I have to tell Dani and hope she doesn't freak out.

Am I Fucked?
Do I need to reinforce that this is kind of a major issue? That if they didn't kill all of the Cancer the first time around then my survival Stats plummet? That we are talking about a potential Bone Marrow Transplant with Chemo & Radiation.

Emotionally, I'm barely keeping it together. Cancer Sucks.

Near 5PM Dani calls to tell me she's walking home and was hoping I would meet her half way. I agree, reluctantly. I'm not gonna tell her about this while we are walking. So I meet her and we walk home. I ask her if I can get her a drink. I never ask her for a drink and later she tells me that this was a signal to her. I guess I need to over her a drink more often.

So, I make her a vodka/lemonade and I get a whiskey on the rocks. Damn I'm nervous. I'm so worried. We eat, we talk. We enjoy ourselves. God I love her with all my heart. At some point, right after Dinner I blurt it out:

Me: "I bumped up my appointment to tomorrow." (My voice is weak and cracks)
Dani: "Did they call you and ask that you come in?"
Me: "No. I'm worried so I called them."

Her response came without hesitation. I explained everything to her. Dani did not freak. I was surprised but it was obvious she was holding it in. I have never taken this type of initiative and called my Doctor with my concerns. And certainly not without telling Dani. She must know I'm extremly worried. This, of course, will cause her great worry. I knew at some point She would leave the room and call her mother. I hate upsetting her.

The rest of Thursday is kind of a blur to me.

Friday, 8/25/06
Dani wakes me and off to the Hospital we go. I hate going to G'Town Hospital. It brings back memories of Cancer and nothing else.

We get to the waiting room. SOP is for a tech to come get you from the waiting room, take your vitals and draw blood, then you wait for the Dr. Today, when the Dr. saw us in the waiting room, she came over and escorted us to a room. Vitals would wait. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I was worried before going in. Yes, part of it is paranoia. But again, I ignored my itching symptom for months prior to diagnosis. More months then I care to confess to. For once I would like to be worried and have my Dr. tell me I'm crazy. She grabbing us was not a good sign.

So in the room I described the itching, showed her a tiny fluid filled blister I found Thursday morning on my left wrist and described the pain/sensitivity of my left nipple. She informed me the CT scan showed abnormal growth in my Bone Marrow. This did not cause her concern. Most likely it was my cells still rejuvenating/recovering from chemo. Plus The Bone Marrow biopsy was negative. However, the itching was causing her some serious concern though.

She had me disrobe for an exam and told informed me she would schedule a PET Scan. Just as a precaution. Fuck.

it was a blow to my, and Dani's psyche. I was trying to keep my composure. Dani was having a little more difficulty. The Doctor turned to Dani, saw her wipe a tear, and said: "don't worry. He'll be fine." I just wish I could stop causing her pain. I'm not blaming myself, of course. But it breaks my heart to se Dani so upset. I don't know how to explain this to someone who hasn't gone through it. It sucks. You try not to worry about recurrences but you can't help it. And a recurrance is way more deadly then the initial battle. You kind of live in fear of a recurrence. To say it sucks is the ultimate understatement.

The rest of the day Dani & I kind of drifted through it in a state of semi-shock. I think. She went to work and I went to meet a friend for drinks. He lives in Towson, MD., just outside of Baltimore and came in to hang with a friend of his.

Dani & I were gonna return to the Adirondacks on Monday and backpack for 3-4 days. But we canceled. We need to know when the PET scan is scheduled before we can leave town. This shit fucking sucks.

Cancer sucks beyond fucking belief.

Peace.

I won! [C]

Sorry I've been away. lots-O-Crap Going on. I'll try and fill y'all in soon

I Hate Sleeve Badges. I've tried to avoid them. Everyone could wear a badge so what the Fuck is the point?

I go for a CT scan in about 8hrs. I hate thinking about it. I despise it. Going just brings back the memories. Memories of a bad dream. Do you know what that's like? It's been 4 Months. It's my first trip since I've gone into "remission". It's my first trip back.It sucks. I don't really use my car any more. I use it to get to the hospital or out of town.

I'm in "remission" but Dani is prepared for the worse. She doesn't want to be "surprised" again. She doesn't want to be blind sided by a bad diagnosis. I don't blame her.And I am confident that I kicked Cancers ass. But there is always that doubt. No matter how small, the doubt is there. Kind of sucks, no? I try to ignore it but sometimes it gnaws at me.But you know what? I may die tomorrow but I won. I met Dani. Fell in Love with her and married her. After searching for 39 years I found my perfect match.

I won.