Feeling Loopy/Begging For Money/Having Fun

Wednesday, 12/14/05

I wake up exhausted as hell. I don't sleep long or well much anymore. I roll over. I get this huge head rush from doing it. "Odd" , I think to myself. I roll over again. Same effect. The movement is causing dizziness in me like nothing before. And I'm still in Bed, Horizontal!!!!! "How.....................interesting". I do it a few more times for the hell of it and then decide to get some coffee. I worry that I'll fall over if I stand up to quickly but I can't move quickly so all's good. The side effects of Chemo seem to be hitting me the hardes 6-7 days after the injections.

Dani & i have a very Lazy day. We fight mostly over the laptop. She mostly works from home and I mostly sit at home playing on the laptop. This can cause some friction. :) Especially since she has a Press Conference coming up and I believe that might be stressing her out. We are suppossed to go to her friends Courtney Apt. I feel like ass, dizzy & fatigued. But I feel we should get out. We used to go out all the time, now we hardly ever. Dani worries about my cell counts a lot. I worry about Cabin Fever a lot.

We go. At the apt with Courtney is another friend/co-worker, Lauren. We sit, we eat, we drink Wine. I drink............slowly. Alcohol still seems to disagree with me. I get very lightheaded after 1 glass. I'm a little confused by the conversation. I then realize it's a meeting. It's a meeting regarding a Fundraiser/benefit for me.

I'm at a loss for words. If I think too much about it I might break down. I just sit there and listen. This is Courtney's & Laurens Gig. It's also an area they seem to have some experience in. Dani suggested the idea but has no time for it. They seem to be confident that they can find a bar, 1-2 bands, and door prizes, all donated. Possibly even the bartendars tips. Once again, I'm stunned.

Thursday, 12/15/05
Blood Day! I hate Blood Day. This day doesn't go well. The Nurse sticks me and there is a burning sensation after she pulls the needle out. I think nothing of it but later there is pain in my arm. It's weak. Ever wake and discover you were sleeping on your arm? It has that feeling. Plus the pain which seems to be focuse in a discreet area of my upper arm. It will continue at least through the weekend. I decide not to bother the oncall oncologist, I'll bother my onco-nurse on Monday.

No call. Once again, my cell counts are fine. Small victories.

Friday, 12/16/05
Dani has to go into work for the afternoon. plus they're having the Company xmas Party at 3PM. I need to shop for her so all is good. I need to shop in the Dupont Circle area, @2miles away. It's quicker to walk than take metro so I do it. I do my thing at the one store I need to be at and I'm done in no time.

All the Women are jealous, yes? ;)

Anyway, it's just after 3Pm and I'm only a few blocks from Dani's work Place. Xmas Party. Free Food & Drink. Why not? I pop over, grab a beer and sit with Dani. Dani introduces me to several people, including her Boss. I shake hands but never get up from my chair. We leave around 4:30 and walk home.

That's more "exercise" than I usually do. I did push my limit and I'm very tired. Pathetic, no? I'm a backpacker. My old "comfort maximum" was @8 miles over difficult terrain with 30-35lb. pack on. Now, 4 miles on pavement with sneakers and no pack wipes me out. four miles over 4-5hrs no less.

Pathetic. Chemo takes a bit out of you.

At home I go to the bathroom. I look in the mirror. I look hard and long. I see it for the first time. I think: "Why didn't I see it before?" I come out and "confront" Dani:

Phil: "Dani, I need to ask you something and I need an honest answer. Please don't hold anything back."
Dani: I hate these questions
Phil: I look sick. My face shows it, doesn't it? I don't act sick. But I look it. Yes? Women see these things. They notice changes men don't. I didn't, or refused to notice.
Dani: Yes. Courtney pulled me aside and said you looked really tired. You look sick. But that's to be expected, you are sick. And I would never not be honest with you.
Phil: Thank you. And I know I can trust you to be straight with me.

My face is completely fat-free. I'm pale like never before. I usually have black bags under my eyes, wrinkles. It looks like there is some black above my eyes. It's my eyes where you can really see it. See my fatigue.......my illness. Other "new" symptoms:

I haven't had a haircut since mid October. I don't need a haircut. My hair grows fast. Within 4-6 weeks it looks moppy. Tis not the case. It has stopped growing. I run my hands through it every day, a few times. Expecting a handful to come out. Nothing yet. The hair on my legs has thinned slightly.

*NOTE* - I'm sorry, I might be a little drunk. I thought my body was rejecting alcohol but I was wrong. It rejects Wine & beer but whiskey seems fine. It's almost 2Am. Makers Mark is fine. ;)

There's a Party to go to today. Dani worries about my fatigue and my ability to fight infection. I reiterate that my cell counts were fine on Thursday, I need to get out and mingle or I'll go crazy. We go. it's only a few blocks away and its a benefit for a Social Justice Organization. It's a House Party with Bands. We get there, drop a $20, and push through to the Miller lite/bud light Kegs. We don't drink much. Beer just sucks now. Sucky beer really sucks. we go to the "music" room. It's a Spanish Band. No hablo. Dani does, though. We start Dancing. we have never danced with each other before.

I watch her move to the music. So gracefull. So.........enticing. Her eyes melt me. I fall in love with her again. We dance. Unfortunately I can not dance the night away. My knees hurt. They hurt as soon as we got there. I can go on no longer and so we leave. Oh well, it was enough.