Anticipation [C]

This is nice. I'm worried I'm dying and we sit here and wait. Wondering if I was forgotten again. So many departments and no one really talking. Our cat, Iggy, seems concerned. Either i'm giving off serious stress scent or he smells the Cancer? He's always been very affectionate but now he's all over us like never before. I had to go down to Lombardi and pick up an "order". They asked if they could fax it to me but I declined. I don't trust them. Didn't bother to ask about my results.

49 days since the Positive PET Scan
17 days since Confirmation

Fucking ass Fucks! [C]

My Biopsy was last Friday. Was it too much to ask to get results back by today? Fighting Cancer is no bigee. Might as well fight every day to get results. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Sometimes i just wanna say "I'm done."

I wonder how many people die by leaving everything up to their doctors?

46 days since the Positive PET Scan
14 days since Confirmation

Tick Tock, Tick Tock..... [C]

45 days since the Positive PET Scan
13 days since Confirmation

The suspense is killing me...

5:45 [C]

Got a call. No results.

This fucking sucks. Thank God for whiskey

The Waiting Game [C]

Not hearing from my doc, I called & left a message with her nurse coordinator around 3. Just got a call from the RN. She wasn't aware my doc hasn't called me yet. My doc is currently in NY. The nurse said she would call her in NY and have her contact me.

I can't compare this anxiety to anything....”

Is it still Early? [C]

My doctor said she would call "early in the week" and let me know about my Bone Marrow. Thinking about it drives me nuts and I try to block it out. The anxiety in the air is palpable. We don't talk about it. Anger, depression, resignation seem to dominate my personality right now. It's so hard to combat as we wait for treatment, for results. And every time my left hand tingles I think of the tumors growing.......unchecked.


44 days since the Positive PET Scan
12 days since Confirmation

Countdown [C]

32 days for diagnosis + 11 days since confirmation.

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity??? [L]

Here's some nice footage from PETA. I worked at this company, in this building, the small mammal teratology dept. from'99-03. I knew the monkey techs well.

I felt most like a lab animal during my MRI and my last Surgery. More like a restrained Monkey than a Human.

Fun with Monkey's


And remember - if you take it, touch it, slab it on, or it touches your food, it's been tested. No matter what that label tries to imply. "Final product has not been tested..." is a good one that comes to mind. Think about it next time you consider buying the next "new & improved" headache pill, or a pill so you can eat crap all day.

1000's died so you could eat that chili burger.

Crushed By Morning [C]

I had a pleasant dream last night. My Onco called and my Bone Marrow was clean. I woke shortly after. I was at peace in my dream. And it was crushed by Morning.

Reminded me of Mornings pass - the Morning after we put The Kitty to sleep. The MorningS after I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's. You wake up feeling good for a split second before you're Crushed. I have a vivid recollection of dreaming, as a very young child, that my father was still alive. Found unharmed. And then waking up. Crushed. I think my last pleasant dream was of The Kitty. I remember too few pleasant dreams.

I guess that often makes Morning one's worst enemy.

Countdown to Treatment [C]

32 days for diagnosis + 10 days since confirmation.

Radiation Exposure Re-calculation [C]

I forgot my MUGA in my initial calculation here:

fun-with-radiation

A MUGA scan (Multiple Gated Acquisition Scan) is a nuclear medicine test to evaluate the function of the heart ventricles. It provides a movie-like image of the beating heart, and allows the doctor to determine the health of the heart’s major pumping chambers. The advantages of MUGA is that it is more accurate than an echocardiogram and it is non-invasive.

Some chemo is harsh on the heart. They need to know how your ticker is. I had 1 before my first battle. it gives you a dose of ~8mSv.

That gives me 106mSv-120mSv

Going with the minimum 106mSv from 11/05-6/07 is:

35.33 years of background radiation - or -
5300 chest x-rays.

...and counting”

Hodgkins Relapse: Timeline [C]

June 11th - PET Scan

June 26th - PET scan results (atypical cells in neck) discussed with Oncology Doctor. Doctor discovers swollen Lymph Nodes in Left armpit through palpitation.

June 28th - MRI Scan for pinpointing lymph nodes.

July 1st - Consultation appointment with Surgeon

July 6th - Surgery - Lymph Node Biopsy

July 13th - Oncology appointment - Pathology confirms Cancer Relapse

July 16th - Stitch removed from neck. Surgeon relieved I'm aware of the results.

July 20th - Bone Marrow Biopsy


Treatment....?

That's 32 days to confirm relapse. 9 days have passed since confirmation

I've Added Dani's Good Eating/Sustainability Blog [F]

It's Her work blog regarding all issues of sustainability. Look in my Link Section.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me? [C]

God, we are so pissed. And drunk. Not sure where to start. Don't know what to say. How about y'all? You don't know what to say? That's OK. We don't know what to say. Which is worst: the first time you're told you have \Cancer or to be told it's "back"? I'm leaning towards the latter.

BTW - stop with the sympathy. I ain't dead. Thanks.

Yes. This is me. Raw, uncensored, and pissed off. Pissed like I've never been pissed. I have no way to release my anger and that sucks. I need violence. I want to take out my aggression and I can't in a city. I'm in Hell. I'm so fucking pissed off. I can't describe it. Dani can't describe how she's feeling.

And you will never see me like this.

Let's clarify some things - I was never cured and my Cancer isn't "back". It never left. We didn't get it all the first time. Some survived. It's the same motherfucking cell line that tried to kill me before. It only takes one cell.

Fucking assholes didn't kill it all the first time. Six months of aggressive chemo-therapy. Six months of filling my body with toxins. And all they did was batter it when They thought they exterminated it. Assholes.

Just so pissed off. So angry. We should be done with this. I should have been cured. It's not fair. I'ts not right.

I'd put my fist through the wall if Dani weren't here. I'd follow it with my head.. I really want to flip out in the most violent manner. But I can't.

It's not right. Fuck it. Fuck it all.

FUCK EVERYTHING

We decided this sums it up. Almost:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

At Least It's Curable [C]

Pathology Report: Lymph Node (Right Cervical), Excisional Biopsy (Specimens "A" and "B")

"The Nodal architecture is partially effaced by mixed infiltrate of small Lymphocytes, Eosiniphils and prominent sinus histiocytes forming ill-defined granulomata. Scattered large atypical Reed-Sternberg cells and variants (including Lucunar cells) are observed. Rare sclerotic bands are seen penetrating from the capsule into the superficial cortex. The Lack of prominent nodularity and mixed composition of the cellular infiltrate favors mixed cellularity subtype. Comfirmatory Immunohistochemistry will be performed and an addendum will be issued."

I delayed publication on this to build suspense. Did it work? Atypical cells could mean anything, no?

Friday 7/13/07


Get to Lombardi at 1130. Get my blood work and they take my vitals. The Med Assistant is a bit shocked - my heart is doing 130/120. She says we got to get that down or I'll be going to the ER. I think pleasant thoughts. I get 120/100. I tell her I'm stressed and that I Wanted a drink before I went in but Dani wouldn't let me. :D

we get to a waiting room and soon Dr. Fucktard walks in. This is the Resident DouchBag that informed me my PET was "positive" by going through the Hodgkins symptom list and asking if I had any of them. Then seemed shocked no one had called me about my PET. There's really not much worse of a feeling then discovering your cancer may be back b/c a douchbag is asking "those" questions. I told Dani if he started off like that again I was gonna Bitch slap him.

So Dr. DB Fucktard starts asking me questions about my surgery. Like "When did you have the surgery?" What the Fuck? Do I need to walk down the hall to the ENT clinic and get my chart? Does he not have it? So I answer and give him my world renowned "are you fucking kidding me?" look when he blurts out, as my real Doctor walks in, that they can't locate the pathology report. My Dr. gets him out and they leave.

1215 Friday. My Surgery was 0730 last Friday. My PET scan was June 11th. And they don't know anything yet. At least conclusively.

Five weeks in Diagnostic Purgatory

Nice.

About 15 minutes later they come back with the news. My Hodgkins is back. Nice. Thanks. Always so proud of my fucking immune system now this little indestructible motherfucking cell line is doing its best to take me out. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

My Dr. was prepared for the worst. She wants me to partake in a clinical trial. Same chemo with an added antibody. I need to read over the protocol this weekend, sign consent, and start all the pre-treatment testing.

Yay.

It's just fucking bullshit. And I guess it's life. For weeks Dani and I had been stressed. Not talking about it. Not needing to. We were thinking the same thing: What if it's back? What if it's Leukemia or non-hodgkins? Today our thoughts were deafening. I guess that parts over.

I'd say "small consolation" but it really isn't.

[sarcasm]Oh well. At least it's just Hodgkins, eh?[/sarcasm]

Saturday, 7/14

Up at 0630. Dani's gone. She started working The Old Town Alexandria (VA) Farmers Market for/with our Friends Lori & Toni. They pick her up at or around 0500. I'm up because I started drinking right after we got back from the hospital. 2-4ish? until Midnightish. Tired all yesterday but restless. I supposse I'm up b/c of that other reason also.

For weeks my concentration level had been bothering me. I noticed it mostly while playing Spider Solitaire. A card game that can involve quite a bit of strategy and a lot less luck than standard solitaire. I would go to long without winning. It started to bother me. Stress/anxiety can take such a toll on a body.

I'm tired. Not sure if its Hodgkin or the stress. I think it's moving fast. I have swollen nodes in my left armpit that didn't show up in my PET in June. Sometimes I get a diffuse tingling sensation in my left hand and elbow. Might be the nodes pressing against nerves.

I just wish Dani didn't have to go through this again.

One Year Anniversary [L]

Sunday July 8th, 2007

Sunday Started out like most. Dani went to work the Dupont Farmer's Market. We had decided to celebrate our one year in a very low key way: we'd just hang and drink. Celebrate Us. Everything else would be the same. OK. Maybe we do that most Sundays but this was different, dammit!

At the end of Market Eric gave us a too generous gift and we headed home. We did have a plan: drinks at El Tamarindo. A low key, kind of homey Mexican/El Salvadoran restaurant at 18th & U st. NW. It's one of our favorites. The food servings are ginormous and the Margs rock. And its a nearly straight walk from where we live. But mostly we have many fond memories of the place.

So there we were drinking margs and Dos Equis, eating a papusa. We toasted our marriage, each other, The Kitty, Life, and many more years together. It was a nice, low key, all around wonderful experience. I find nothing more enjoyable than spending time with Dani. we talk, laugh, make fun of everything, and enjoy being.

We went home and had a wonderful dinner. reminisced about the Wedding and looked at photos of that day.

It was one of many beautiful days. There's nothing better than contentment, eh?

Picking Blueberries Under The Influence [C,L,F]

Saturday, July 7th
We have a blueberry picking party planned at The Farm of Eric & Lori at 11AM. First I need the drain in my neck removed and a quick looksie by a doc. The surgeon made "small" incision for such a deep extraction. The drain is a little tube to allow drainage and prevent swelling. Which is bad. Dani was told if I swell up to get me right back to the Hospital.

i wake up feeling 100% better than the day before. we hope into the car and out out to G'town. It's Saturday so we have to wait outside of the Closed ENT clinic for the surgical resident to stop by while on rounds. Doogie Howser and pals stop by. For Surgical Residents they are very nice. Kind of like your average joe. They were complete opposites of every post-doc/resident MD I've dealt with...including the pricks I worked with. The dude removing my drain was talkative, friendly, and a little nervous. It was very refreshing.

It almost matches the surgical scar on the other side of my neck.

Off To The Farm
We head out of DC after a stop off to CVS. Having a hard time keeping the bandage on my neck. I leave behind the Percocet and replace it with extra strength Tylenol. Fuck that crap. It's exactly 24 hours since I came out of surgery. While driving I notice something not quite right. I'm feeling kind of fuzzy. I stare at cars on the interstate. I lose focus a little bit. "Fuck! I'm still fucked up from the surgery!" I look at Dani. She's sleeping. I start thinking:

"Should I turn around? I hate this. It seems like everything gets fucked up by me. We had to cancel a camping trip this past weekend b/c of me. I was so looking forward to getting back out. We're half way there. Fuck it. I just need to focus."

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, and concentrated. we would continue on. Honestly it wasn't that bad. I never drive after a few drinks but that's what it felt like. Impaired, not drunk.

But apparently feeling 100% better didn't bring me up to 100%. Ugh. Relativity sucks sometimes.

We get to the Farm. First ones there besides Loris friends. The others would show soon. Full party:

Eric & Lori + 2 friends
Lauren
Asa
Laurens bro Jordon & GF (little help?)
Tina & roomie
Sarah
Zoe & Cate
Dan & Friend

Sorry for the incomplete list, my "editor" isn't being very helpful right now. Seems anxious for some reason and I suck with names.

Pickers

we start picking. It's Hot. the sun is beating down on us. I have a bandana wrapped around my neck to keep the bandage in place. I notice I'm not so.........coherent. I'm acting tipsy. I get confused over a conversation at one point. At least once. I can't pick for long. I wonder if anyone can tell? Man they fucking dosed me for surgery. We break for Lunch. Lori had prepared a few lasagnas and a vegan pasta dish. It was quite the impressive spread.
More Pickers

Afterwards I still feel loopy. It's suggested I stay behind. I try and fight but I'm really enjoying the chair on the porch. Their cat Lucy is hanging out next to me, purring. this is nice. I go inside and find a bed. This is really nice. Sleep comes not so easily but comes non the less. At some point Dani wakes me. people take their cut of the blueberry loot and say there goodbyes.

We hang out, have a beer (antibiotics be damned) and leave. I feel better than my earlier "100%". No way was I gonna drive back if i felt like I did driving in. I wasn't looking so good maybe, but my cognitive abilities seemed to be completely back. Over all it was a beautiful day. Spending the day before our One year Anniversary on the Farm we got married on was very pleasant.

1000AM Friday, July 13th
Gotta go

Surgery/Diagnostic Purgatory [C]

Friday, 7/6/07

Scheduled for 0730(AM). They want me ther by 0530. No food or liquids after midnight. I' m stressed. That's my excuse to drink until midnight. we arrive at the hospital by cab at 0500ish. Can never tell when I cab is gonna arrive. We fill out some forms, register and wait. Soon we're taken back to a pr-op area. I strip down and put on a gown. Georgetown is a teaching hospital. We fall asleep. Around 0715 the residents and post-docs come in. Post docs are eagerly asking med history questions while the anesthesiologist resident proceeds to miss my vein. Twice. I warned him about it and tried to make him relax. I hate students. At some point the Surgeon came in. He was of my least concern

The anesthesiologist comes in, all grumpy that I'm not ready and orders us to surgery. She 's about as unpleasant as can be. Kind of funny that she makes me nervous. The anesthesiologist makes me nervous. That's Funny in that Dark twisted Terry Gilliam black comedy funny way.

I seem to fear things too much lately. It makes me nervous. Mortality sucks.

I kiss Dani goodbye and head of to surgery. Walking. I'm more than a little comforted that her friend, Miyun, will be keeping her company while I'm in surgery. I always worry about Dani worrying about me. She's waited through all my CT scans, PET scans, MRI's, and this will be the 2nd surgery of mine she's waited. and worried. I've never waited for a loved one in surgery. I can't imagine how horrible that is. And I often go into scans thinking how horrible it would be for Dani if something went wrong and she was left alone.

So going into surgery knowing someone was taking care of her was a huge relief to me. And I needed it almost as much as she.

For if this is how out patient surgery is, then it's a cold, comfort-less place. I walked past people shooting the shit. Into the surgery room and onto the table. Each worker had there job. And once again I felt like a specimen. Another resident got the IV into me. Got it on the first try, smaller needle, wrist of my other arm. I hate wrist sticks.

fucking amateurs.

I was nervous still and they could tell. I warned them earlier that I seem to be resistant to local anesthetic - that i needed 3 shots at the dentist and I came out during a colonoscopy. I would be getting gas and locals through the IV.

I new the lymph node was deep. I knew the doc would be using the MRI images to locate it. I knew he seemed worried about its depth/location. I know he'll take a slice and send it to pathology then remove the whole node if pathology thinks it "might be a good idea." I knew I really didn't want Cancer again. It was gonna be at least 2hrs of surgery. Half of it waiting? I was concerned about that.

The anesthesiologist put the mask over my mouth and asked me to take a few deep breaths, saying it was just oxygen and to relax. I was stressed. I knew it wasn't just Oxygen........why do they say that, I thought to myself..........................................................................................I knew Dani was being taken care of...................................................................................................I need to relax..............................................................................................................................everything will be OK......................................................................................................................

...............................someones shoving a pill in my mouth. Did she say "Percocet"? I believe I mentioned a serious headache and nausea. I'm having a hard time opening my eyes. Dani tries to get me to drink some liquid. I feel sick afterwards. She gives me a cracker. I feel sick. It's 1030. I've been out of surgery for an hour and I'm still a vegetable. I'm fucked. Guess they took my warning to heart.

I saw my doc. The cells were atypical so they removed the whole node. Fuck. I had a drain in that would need to be removed the next day. "Atypical". Not a worry to someone who has never had cancer. But a worry to me. Still, the diagnosis is inconclusive.

I don't remember much. I was coming in and out of unconsciousness. we were basically kicked out of post-op because I could just as well "sleep at home". Kicked out by wheel chair. Sat in the waiting room while Dani worked to get a cab. I was faintly aware of people all around me. As my head bobbed. At the cab door the hospital worker warned me to "use the door". And so I did. I clung to the cab door to get up from the wheelchair and into the cab.

Beautiful patient care.

In the cab I continued to fight unconsciousness and nausea. i would wake up and wonder why we were "still" wherever we were. The ride seemed to last forever. Dani confirmed the cabbie was driving slow as fuck and might have been on something himself.

I've been under anesthesia a few times. It was never this bad. In retrospect I wonder if I had a hard time making it back from the "brink"?

Once home I headed to the bedroom and crashed. Next thing I knew it was 4:30PM. I hurt and was sick. I popped another Percocet or two before going to bed that night. Don't really remember much else. Had the worst dreams of my Life. Very restless night. Ten times worse than when I was taking that Valium derivative during chemo. I dunno how anyone gets hooked on this shit. I would have much preferred Vicodin.

Fucking amateurs.

Pet Scan
MRI
Surgery

PET scan showed "unusual" activity. MRI confirmed it. Surgery finds "atypical cells". It's been a Month now and all they can say is "atypical". Which is everything but inactive immune cells. This shit has been given a name by someone else fighting cancer:

DIAGNOSTIC PURGATORY

And still, I hope to God I don't have Cancer again. I think I'll know in 12 hours. Hopefully.

Independence Day [L]

View Of The Capitol From North Capitol at The End of our Street (Looking South)

Everyone Should do Independence Day on The Mall Once. We have. We decided to drink, go to our favorite fountain, drink, and see what fireworks we could see from our apt.

I'm gonna reveal this fountain but don't be telling everyone about it. Not many people go, it's not on any online mapping service but it's huge. We found it when we first started dating, summer of '05. We were in eastern Market and decided to walk to The Mall. It was Hot as Hell. During our Journey We played in the sprinklers at the Library of Congress to cool off. Then we ran into it. A huge fountain with nobody around. We jumped in and frolicked. Uninterrupted. No people, dogs, pigeons. Nobody. Fucking unbelievable. I remember that day like it was yesterday.


We're pretty sure no one hordes this fountain because they're aren't any Starbucks near by or chain restaurants. Sort of. It's right next to Union Station but that seems too far for the tourists and most locals. Again, keep your mouths shut. Please. just North of the Capitol. At North Capitol Street Southern terminus. A fountain almost completely isolated from throngs of tourist and dumbass locals looking cool (in their mind) with their starbucks/xando half-calf vanilla mocha strawberry lattes and playing with their dogs. It's a Jewel in the rough. best Park in DC. And about 12 blocks due South of our current place-o-residence. Paradise in Summer. An Oasis in a concrete hell hole. Our Park. Our Fountain. And just outside the 4th-o-july- security parimeter. A Match made in heaven.





So their we played for a while. In our fountain. We ran into a dude Dani knows. He was there with his dogs. We see him almost everytime we go there. Secret might be getting out, eh?

View Of The Capitol From In The Fountain

After that we went back home. Hung out on our back porch and watch Fireworks. Couldn't see the Main event but there was half a dozen little shows all around us. Right in our neighborhood. Two of them would have put small town shows to shame. Or very tiny villages. The fireworks went of through the night and into the early morning hours. In the front birds were fleeing fireworks from tree to tree. The smoke and flashes reminding me of Apocalypse Now. It was kind of dangerous and exciting.

It was a good day. I love spending a full day with my wife.

Honey Collection [L,F]

July 3rd.

Damn That was cool! For a brief recap: Dani and her friend Lori started to keep Bee's in '05. They started with 2 hives. The main source of pollen in that area is Tulip trees - which bloom May-June. It takes at least a year before you can harvest honey. If all goes well. Bee Keeping ain't so easy. They've lost hives to "swarming" and winter warm ups.

Swarming - The hive, for a few reasons, to leave. A winter warm up - the hive uses up resources. temps drop again and the hive starves.

This summer was the first time they've been able to collect honey. You can only collect honey from a healthy, robust, 1+yr old hive. And so they had one. I didn't have my camera with me. Dammit. Got some later photos with Lori's camera. But basically they remove a frame from the hive, brush the bees off and move it to a secure location. We took six frames and moved them indoors. They were heavy but it didn't seem like much. While inside a bee had discovered a way in. The bee had to be "taken care of". Otherwise it would have gone back to the hive and we would have been swarmed. We also noticed bees congregating by an open, screened, window so we had to close it an suffer through the heat.

They are an amazing animal.

First you have to cut the wax sealant of the honeycomb with an electrically heated knife:



Then We put the frames in an Extractor and crank an arm - the honey comes out through centrifugal force.. I looked in the extractor after we cranked. didn't seem like much honey. The frames were incredibly light compared to when we put them in but it still didn't seem like much. Then we opened the valve and let all the liquid gold pour out:





Four frikken gallons from 6 frames! It was one of the neatest things I've ever been a part of. I wonder if maybe I could do it for a living. Or a partial living. Maybe. Full Bee album:


Bees

Diagnosis. [C]

hi all. Surgery did a number on me.

Diagnosis is "atypical cells". If you can call that a diagnosis.

What an Exciting Week! [C,L,F]

Saw my (new) Surgeon on Monday. Seemed a little concerned about where the Lymph nodes were. Gonna try and take a bit out and see what pathology has to say.

Tuesday we extracted Honey for the first time from the hives. That was awesome and I'll try and post a full report later.

Wednesday......we drank

Thursday I had an Interview with one of them there soulless contract agencies. Who knows where that will go

Friday I have surgery at 0730

Saturday we pick blueberries.

I can drink for 38 more minutes...

Skinny Puppy: Now Is The Only Thing That's Real [L]

June 11th, 2007

We got tickets minutes after they went on sale. And immediately we were worried.

Probably not until we're dead. Or they're dead.

And there we were last night at the 9:30 Club with The seminal Industrial/electronic band Skinny Puppy.

If you need some "mainstream references" - Nine Inch Nails & Marylin Manson are there kinder, gentler offspring.

We went to the show with some trepidation. and mucho liquid courage. Were we too old? Were we, in other words, gonna get our arses kicked?

My worries melted away as soon as we got there. It seemed like maybe a fourth of the not-sold-out-show crowd were old enough to remember. the rest weren't born yet. And mucho posers. I'm a snobby purist and I hate seeing people wearing other band concert T's to shows. As if it's the only black they own and they're convinced they need to wear black.

We sat through an obnoxious opening band (white mice) before the real show started.





DC crowds are often criticized for being wimpy and this was a perfect example. As soon as Skinny Puppy came on I easily slid over to front and center. Dani, not feeling the same compulsion, stayed behind at front stage right. It wasn't violent and that wasn't such a bad thing. I stayed for my fix then went back over to where Dani was.



It was an amazing show and difficult to describe. They played newer stuff exclusively. More techno-Industrial than there harder, earlier recordings. Nothing older than Warlock. But that's OK. They've been around for 20 some years. Who wants a band that continues to put out the same old stuff? people complain a band doesn't sound like it's "classic old stuff" are the same ones that complain "it all sounds the same." Fuck 'em. And the more we listen to their latest CD "Mythmaker" the more we like it. And bands must get bored to death. Become robots on stage. This was anything but. Ogre was enjoying himself. He even smiled, which Dani will tell you is most unlike Ogre.

And the show went on, with most tracks from there newest album. "Ambiantz, Ugli, Magnifishit, etc. We were in our element and it was amazing.



As we were experiencing the sensory overload that is Skinny Puppy it hit me - this is just like backpacking. The thought was strengthened with the song "Worlock" in which a recorded Charles Manson states (several times):

"Now is the only thing that's real". I leaned into Dani at this point, hugging here from behind and telling her "I Love You." I was in Heaven. And Dani was there with me.


And now its over. But I know it was real.



Skinny Puppy and Iggy Pop. Two of the best shows of my life within Months of each other. All we need is for Ministry to show up and the Trifecta will be complete.

"The Police used to watch over the people. Now they're watching the people."