At Least It's Curable [C]

Pathology Report: Lymph Node (Right Cervical), Excisional Biopsy (Specimens "A" and "B")

"The Nodal architecture is partially effaced by mixed infiltrate of small Lymphocytes, Eosiniphils and prominent sinus histiocytes forming ill-defined granulomata. Scattered large atypical Reed-Sternberg cells and variants (including Lucunar cells) are observed. Rare sclerotic bands are seen penetrating from the capsule into the superficial cortex. The Lack of prominent nodularity and mixed composition of the cellular infiltrate favors mixed cellularity subtype. Comfirmatory Immunohistochemistry will be performed and an addendum will be issued."

I delayed publication on this to build suspense. Did it work? Atypical cells could mean anything, no?

Friday 7/13/07


Get to Lombardi at 1130. Get my blood work and they take my vitals. The Med Assistant is a bit shocked - my heart is doing 130/120. She says we got to get that down or I'll be going to the ER. I think pleasant thoughts. I get 120/100. I tell her I'm stressed and that I Wanted a drink before I went in but Dani wouldn't let me. :D

we get to a waiting room and soon Dr. Fucktard walks in. This is the Resident DouchBag that informed me my PET was "positive" by going through the Hodgkins symptom list and asking if I had any of them. Then seemed shocked no one had called me about my PET. There's really not much worse of a feeling then discovering your cancer may be back b/c a douchbag is asking "those" questions. I told Dani if he started off like that again I was gonna Bitch slap him.

So Dr. DB Fucktard starts asking me questions about my surgery. Like "When did you have the surgery?" What the Fuck? Do I need to walk down the hall to the ENT clinic and get my chart? Does he not have it? So I answer and give him my world renowned "are you fucking kidding me?" look when he blurts out, as my real Doctor walks in, that they can't locate the pathology report. My Dr. gets him out and they leave.

1215 Friday. My Surgery was 0730 last Friday. My PET scan was June 11th. And they don't know anything yet. At least conclusively.

Five weeks in Diagnostic Purgatory

Nice.

About 15 minutes later they come back with the news. My Hodgkins is back. Nice. Thanks. Always so proud of my fucking immune system now this little indestructible motherfucking cell line is doing its best to take me out. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

My Dr. was prepared for the worst. She wants me to partake in a clinical trial. Same chemo with an added antibody. I need to read over the protocol this weekend, sign consent, and start all the pre-treatment testing.

Yay.

It's just fucking bullshit. And I guess it's life. For weeks Dani and I had been stressed. Not talking about it. Not needing to. We were thinking the same thing: What if it's back? What if it's Leukemia or non-hodgkins? Today our thoughts were deafening. I guess that parts over.

I'd say "small consolation" but it really isn't.

[sarcasm]Oh well. At least it's just Hodgkins, eh?[/sarcasm]

Saturday, 7/14

Up at 0630. Dani's gone. She started working The Old Town Alexandria (VA) Farmers Market for/with our Friends Lori & Toni. They pick her up at or around 0500. I'm up because I started drinking right after we got back from the hospital. 2-4ish? until Midnightish. Tired all yesterday but restless. I supposse I'm up b/c of that other reason also.

For weeks my concentration level had been bothering me. I noticed it mostly while playing Spider Solitaire. A card game that can involve quite a bit of strategy and a lot less luck than standard solitaire. I would go to long without winning. It started to bother me. Stress/anxiety can take such a toll on a body.

I'm tired. Not sure if its Hodgkin or the stress. I think it's moving fast. I have swollen nodes in my left armpit that didn't show up in my PET in June. Sometimes I get a diffuse tingling sensation in my left hand and elbow. Might be the nodes pressing against nerves.

I just wish Dani didn't have to go through this again.