Friday, April 28, 2006

Fuck Cancer!!!!!!!

Hi. I be wasted so I'll go against my better judgement.

I've become a little superstitious.We helped a friend move tonight.

I also took a drag from a Cuban Cigar. Never had one before, how could I refuse? Wow it was smooth!

Anyway. tomorrow is my LAST chemo. I mean today is my last chemo. I'll probably start treatment in less than 12 hours. The last few treatments have been rough, as expected. I've had maybe 2 out of 14 days between treatments were I've felt perfectly fine. Taint NO Cancer left so the chemo wreaks havoc on my healthy cells/tissue/organs. Oh Fucking well. The difference between too much chemo and too little chemo is the difference between life & death. Fuck cancer! I kicked its Fucking ass! Fuck "remission"! That's defeatist. I'm done with Cancer. It's gone and it can kiss my ass! I will never see it again!

Do you know who I am? I'M RICK JAAAAAAMES Bitch!

I'm sorry. I need to give credit where credit is due:

Dani & I kicked Cancers ass! She kept me healthy. She made sure I ate 3 meals/day since this started back in November. Do you know how Fucking difficult it is to feed someone with no appetite for 6 months? Taint no picnic, to say the least. I wouldn't have eaten without her, I wouldn't have cared. And my ability to fight this Fucker would have been greatly diminished. She took over everything and gave me one job: "To get better". She worried about all other details of life. I might not be here if not for her. She put up with the worst I've ever given. She accepted and absorbed all those many days when I said; "Dani, I'm not well, watch out." Those were my words, in so many ways, that I felt like shit and I would probably lash out. I'm not sure if this was unique to me. It was like I would wake up and know. Know that I felt like ass and I could contain my anquish for only so long. So I knew and would warn Dani: "Things were OK now but I don't know how long I can hold it."

Yet There's not a single day we didn't laugh.

That's another thing I need to say about Dani. I look really healthy overall. I have an almost complete head of hair and I'm not under weight. My eyebrows are missing, but that is a small sign that something might be wrong. Some might think she is over protective about my condition. But she knows. She knows I look healthier than I am and that I understate my condition to any that ask.

Dani can read my face and I don't lie to her.

Example: we were at a friends house a few days after chemo. It was during the college BBall tournament, George Masons final game. I felt well enough to go out at the beginning of the night. Everyone was oblivious to my condition, which was to be expected. dani looked at me and I flashed a smile...........the smile. It is my full teeth smile, flashing my upper and lower teeth. It means all is not well. I was sick as a dog. Feeling so Nauseas that I could vomit on the spot. But I held it in. Leaving was not an option, unless I wanted to vomit. And I don't vomit, usually. So I wanted to stay seated in our friends house. i sat in a chair, kind of scrunched up, for hours. i just wanted to feel OK. you know what it's like? After a while we left and the first words out of Dani's mouth were: "You aren't well, are you?" No. But I held it in.

I can hide most from most but nothing from her. Still;

There's not a single day we haven't laughed. Almost every day we laugh so hard I think we are gonna bust a spleen. You know what I mean? that's the best laughter known to Humankind.

Good Spirits & Good food. Add a little chemo and all is Right.

I have my PET Scan in early May. But Fuck superstition. WE are DONE with Cancer. And It can kiss OUR FUCKING ASS.”

2 comments:

Galax said...

i love you guys so much. FUCK CANCER! you will have long happy lives, we will start a farm, and there will be lots of bears and more laughter!

Phil said...

You're so awesome, M. see you at the wedding, yes?