- "I must not fear.
- Fear is the mind-killer.
- Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
- I will face my fear.
- I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
- And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
- Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
- Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert, Dune
What?
What sick fuck invented this device? Jesus Frikken Christ that sucked ass. I'm thinking the blueprints probably came from something Josef Mengele was devising. "Coffin"? hardly. I wish it was that nice. I wonder if anyones seen a coffin that describes this device as such. A coffin is comfy, roomy, with a God damn lid that you can open and get the fuck out if you want to! And you don't have a fucking horrendous torture mask on your face (think football helmet style full face mask - but thicker and bolted to the table). It's not a coffin. Its a god damn rifle bore and you're the fucking bullet. "The pulses sound like hammers pounding on the machine"? Bullshit. That would be somewhat pleasant. I can't describe it. I could say the decible level would have to be in the 80-90 range. And it pulsed, dammit! And It changed up! Different types of sound! And duration changed! Fucking torture! The disposable (i.e. crap) earplugs helped some. Kind of like a band aid helps a bullet hole.
My writing is masking my trauma. Maybe?
Why?
Am I claustrophobic? No. But I've never been shoved into a fucking rifle bore that I could not extract myself from. And then there is the mind set. It had been about 26hrs since I learned my cancer might be back. I'm in a state of panic. Worried, again, about mortality. Fearing Death once more. Was I in the absolute wrong state of mind for an MRI? Is the Pope a Nazi? hmmmmmm. maybe I should write and ask him about my Josef-MRI hypothesis?
So we get to the MRI center at Georgetown. Early. And we wait. We laugh and screw around like always then they take me back. At this point I'm unsure if I've ever had an MRI. Mind you, when I was first diagnosed I had 3-5 scans at several locations. In hindsight, if I had one, it was an open one. An extremely nice open one. Anyway, the tech sets up an IV for the contrast. I would love one fucking scan without contrast. It's not radioactive Iodine contrast. It's not radioactive at all. Nothing is for an MRI. This is seen as one of the big benees of an MRI. Whoopdy Fucking Doo! I'd take a full body CT scan once a month indefinitely instead of one MRI.
While waiting for my turn I hear a machine. "Wow. That's loud" i say. The tech responds "don't worry, yours will not be that loud". "That" being so fucking relative as to be pointless. Onward to my room. I see the machine. I realize I've never been in one like this. Still think no biggee. I lay down, face up. They set up the IV. He bolts the head restraint torture device on me. "I think - maybe I can sleep in this like I do with PET scans?"
I'm loaded into the rifle. "Fuck the top of the machine is right in my face!" I shut my eyes. My foot hits the entrance as I go in. Unfortunate reference point. I stop moving. I open my eyes. "Bad idea!". I close them. I start to relax. There's a knocking sound. The magnets shifting. Maybe that's the hammer sound people describe? If only that was all that happened. The radio waves start up, constant and pulsing. Weird, loud sounds. Damn. I can't sleep. "45 minutes and I'm out"........the sound continues. My mind wanders......................"what if I'm dead and this is hell?............"Jesus fucking Christ! Don't go there! 45 minutes. Still.......what if? What if my hell is in this machine for eternity? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Deep breath. Relax. Find a Happy place........Dani and I. hanging out and laughing........ [OBLITERATED]"
The Change in pattern of the noise & level is making it near impossible for me to find a happy place. Plus they run several "tests" requiring shifting of magnets. So no noise. Relax. The the torture started again. Think "Chinese water torture from hell".
"That sucked. need to get more intense. Dani and I having sex........" a smile crosses my face.......[OBLITERATED]
It progressively got worse. Think of being on a Mountain with Dani. Gone. Play a game. Pretend I'm being tortured and I'll never give up the secrets. "Bad Game". I struggled with the alphabet. I counted backwards for 10-20 counts. I started to think it sounded like a very loud techno-club. I smiled for a little bit on that one. Then I was back in the rifle. Panic would rise and lower. I wasn't sure anyone could hear me while I was being scanned. I was fighting my darker thoughts. Hell. Figuring out when I died. "Was it on the way to the hospital?" My irrational mind was trying to rationalize how I couldn't be dead. Of course, in hell, that would be one of the "tricks". Yes. I'm losing. I tried to recite Herbert's Mantra:
My eyes opened once more during this whole time. And closed immediately.
And then the tech announced "last test". Helped me keep my shit together a little bit. Sort of. Still fighting my demons. At the end of it I could hear them near the machine. I waited an "eternity" and asked "am I done?" Yes came the reply. Then I was moving.
I cracked. I would have done anything to get out of there. It's sensory overload and deprivation. All at the same time. It is an insidious, evil device. I conversed with the tech afterwards. She said power of suggestion is too strong and one never knows how one will react. So they don't say a word as to what you will experience because they have no idea.
Am I claustrophobic? It's all relative. Everyone has a degree of it. And again, my state of mind going in was horrible.
When I saw Dani I couldn't speak. I would have lost my shit if I tried. I signaled mostly. While walking she asked me questions out of concern. I had to put my finger to my lips. She understood.
On the way home I took several wrong turns. Driving 7 years in this city and I couldn't figure out how to get home.
Traumatized by the most advanced imaging diagnostic tool we have. Now I have to call and see if I need surgery ASAP.
Peace.
My writing is masking my trauma. Maybe?
Why?
Am I claustrophobic? No. But I've never been shoved into a fucking rifle bore that I could not extract myself from. And then there is the mind set. It had been about 26hrs since I learned my cancer might be back. I'm in a state of panic. Worried, again, about mortality. Fearing Death once more. Was I in the absolute wrong state of mind for an MRI? Is the Pope a Nazi? hmmmmmm. maybe I should write and ask him about my Josef-MRI hypothesis?
So we get to the MRI center at Georgetown. Early. And we wait. We laugh and screw around like always then they take me back. At this point I'm unsure if I've ever had an MRI. Mind you, when I was first diagnosed I had 3-5 scans at several locations. In hindsight, if I had one, it was an open one. An extremely nice open one. Anyway, the tech sets up an IV for the contrast. I would love one fucking scan without contrast. It's not radioactive Iodine contrast. It's not radioactive at all. Nothing is for an MRI. This is seen as one of the big benees of an MRI. Whoopdy Fucking Doo! I'd take a full body CT scan once a month indefinitely instead of one MRI.
- "I must not fear.
- Fear is the mind-killer.
- Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
- I will face my fear.
- I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
- And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
- Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
- Only I will remain."
While waiting for my turn I hear a machine. "Wow. That's loud" i say. The tech responds "don't worry, yours will not be that loud". "That" being so fucking relative as to be pointless. Onward to my room. I see the machine. I realize I've never been in one like this. Still think no biggee. I lay down, face up. They set up the IV. He bolts the head restraint torture device on me. "I think - maybe I can sleep in this like I do with PET scans?"
I'm loaded into the rifle. "Fuck the top of the machine is right in my face!" I shut my eyes. My foot hits the entrance as I go in. Unfortunate reference point. I stop moving. I open my eyes. "Bad idea!". I close them. I start to relax. There's a knocking sound. The magnets shifting. Maybe that's the hammer sound people describe? If only that was all that happened. The radio waves start up, constant and pulsing. Weird, loud sounds. Damn. I can't sleep. "45 minutes and I'm out"........the sound continues. My mind wanders......................"what if I'm dead and this is hell?............"Jesus fucking Christ! Don't go there! 45 minutes. Still.......what if? What if my hell is in this machine for eternity? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Deep breath. Relax. Find a Happy place........Dani and I. hanging out and laughing........ [OBLITERATED]"
The Change in pattern of the noise & level is making it near impossible for me to find a happy place. Plus they run several "tests" requiring shifting of magnets. So no noise. Relax. The the torture started again. Think "Chinese water torture from hell".
"That sucked. need to get more intense. Dani and I having sex........" a smile crosses my face.......[OBLITERATED]
It progressively got worse. Think of being on a Mountain with Dani. Gone. Play a game. Pretend I'm being tortured and I'll never give up the secrets. "Bad Game". I struggled with the alphabet. I counted backwards for 10-20 counts. I started to think it sounded like a very loud techno-club. I smiled for a little bit on that one. Then I was back in the rifle. Panic would rise and lower. I wasn't sure anyone could hear me while I was being scanned. I was fighting my darker thoughts. Hell. Figuring out when I died. "Was it on the way to the hospital?" My irrational mind was trying to rationalize how I couldn't be dead. Of course, in hell, that would be one of the "tricks". Yes. I'm losing. I tried to recite Herbert's Mantra:
- "I must not fear.
- Fear is the mind-killer.
- Fear is the little.........[OBLITERATED]"
My eyes opened once more during this whole time. And closed immediately.
And then the tech announced "last test". Helped me keep my shit together a little bit. Sort of. Still fighting my demons. At the end of it I could hear them near the machine. I waited an "eternity" and asked "am I done?" Yes came the reply. Then I was moving.
I cracked. I would have done anything to get out of there. It's sensory overload and deprivation. All at the same time. It is an insidious, evil device. I conversed with the tech afterwards. She said power of suggestion is too strong and one never knows how one will react. So they don't say a word as to what you will experience because they have no idea.
Am I claustrophobic? It's all relative. Everyone has a degree of it. And again, my state of mind going in was horrible.
When I saw Dani I couldn't speak. I would have lost my shit if I tried. I signaled mostly. While walking she asked me questions out of concern. I had to put my finger to my lips. She understood.
On the way home I took several wrong turns. Driving 7 years in this city and I couldn't figure out how to get home.
Traumatized by the most advanced imaging diagnostic tool we have. Now I have to call and see if I need surgery ASAP.
Peace.
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