Grading Toxicity

Grade 1

Referring to a mild adverse event (sign, abnormal lab finding, symptom, or disease) or toxicity resulting from a medical therapy. The event is commonly asymptomatic or causes minimal symptoms and typically requires no medical intervention. The exact criteria for grading toxicity and required interventions are dependent on the organ system involved.

Grade 2

Referring to a moderate adverse event (sign, abnormal lab finding, symptom, or disease) or toxicity resulting from a medical therapy. The event may or may not be symptomatic and may or may not require some type of non-urgent medical intervention. The exact criteria for grading toxicity and required interventions are dependent on the organ system involved.

Grade 3

Referring to a severe adverse event (sign, abnormal lab finding, symptom, or disease) or toxicity resulting from a medical therapy. The event may interfere with functioning and often requires medical intervention. The exact criteria for grading toxicity and required interventions are dependent on the organ system involved.

Grade 4

Referring to a life-threatening or disabling adverse event (sign, abnormal lab finding, symptom, or disease) or toxicity resulting from a medical therapy. The event requires some type of immediate medical intervention. The exact criteria for grading toxicity and required interventions are dependent on the organ system involved.

I don't feel like a Grade 3. Oh well. On another front - my hair is thinning. Mostly on my legs (calves), somewhat on my hands/knuckles, and on my face and head. I would really hate to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows again. Makes me look like a freak.

My doctor said this treatment was less toxic than my first treatment. Wonder if she's changed her mind?

We Are Retard.

Wednesday, 10/3/07

Dani tried to warn me the night before. And I got a little worried but I thought she was talking crazy. I didn't see the point in her explanation. Then, sitting in the chair I asked the infusion nurse and she confirmed what Dani said. Fuck. What the Hell? I looked away and she plunged the needle into my chest. I lurched from the unexpected pain. The Nurse shouted "don't move! it makes it worst!".

Thanks.

So to correct my naive post from before, the upper incision is to thread the tube, the lower incision has the port. They take, according to what Dani saw, a large thumbtack like needle and stick it through my chest into the port. Instant access to my artery. It is on the surface but I wasn't expecting it. I've had countless needle sticks, from tiny to harpoon, and never lurched.

Supposedly the port is "beneficial" in the long run. IMHO, that stick hurt like a motherfucker. But I guess it's impossible(?) to miss and they're not fucking up my veins anymore. Yay.

I would've taken a photo of it but I forgot my camera. Maybe next time?

We Are Borg

Thursday, 9/27/07

Resistance was futile. Our veins are not doing well. We needed a port.

I told the doc I have a high tolerance for Novocaine and most locals. I take 5-7 shots at the dentist. And yet, through the whole 45min procedure of implanting a dual lumen (news to me) port in me I remained lucid. The anesthesiologist continued to inject me throughout the procedure. Noting my wincing, hand raising, curling toes.....shocked that I wasn't out or at least in a "twilight state".

In the end, I had to wait an hour before going home, SOP. The anesthesiologist showed me her injection record - about 15. And I could've fucken driven home.

That kind of sucked.

We hate local anesthesia.


It is just under the skin. The upper area is the access point. The lower is the main device. And we know you are curious about what is underneath...............


You can see the tube up top but not all the way. Lets take a picture without the flash...




It is an efficient method for receiving compounds. We have been assimilated.

Trying To Catch Up. Busy Month

What a fun and annoying month. I feel the need to recap:

Wed 9/5 - Chemo
Fri 9/7 - Dentist
Tue 9/11 - Labs
Wed 9/12 - Chemo
Thur 9/13 - Labs
Fri 9/14 - Dentist
Mon 9/17 - CT Scan
Tue 9/18 - Onco Appt/Labs
Wed 9/19 - ENT Appt
Thur 9/20 - Dentist
Monday 9/24 - Onco Appt/Labs. Barium Swallo appt.
Tue 9/25 - Dentist
Wed 9/26 - Chemo
Thur 9/27 - Port Surgery

Total Radiation Exposure

For 11/05-9/17:

1mSv = 100mrem

PET = 7mSv
CT = 10-12mSv (whole Body scan)
MUGA = 8mSv

Background radiation exposure in the US is ~3mSv/year.

A chest X-ray = 0.02mSv

1 CT = 500 x-rays
1 PET = 350 x-rays
1 MUGA = 400 x-rays

My Exposure Totals:
1 MUGA = 8mSv
4 PET scans = 28 mSv
9 CT scans = 90-108 mSv
Total = 126-144 mSv

Comparisons:
6300-7200 x-rays
42-48 years of background radiation

And counting.....

Lighting up Like a Christmas Tree/No Progression

Monday, 9/17
The day of my post 2 cycle CT scan. This will tell us if the chemo's working. The "thing" in my throat is worse. I have difficulty swallowing and the urge to vomit the "thing" up after every swallow. Once at the hospital, I chug the first half of my Barium Shake. I excuse myself and walk with fist in front of mouth, concentrating, to the bathroom. I'm trying not to vomit. Never happened before. It's the "thing". In the bathroom I run the water and do that pre-vomit cough. Thankfully though, I don't vomit. back with Dani, I take a sipping approach to the rest of my "shake". It goes down slightly better. In the room I get the always fun Barium enema and a barium IV. For the first time ever, a CT tech misses my vein. Twice. She's done me many times before. Are my veins going to shit? She gets another tech in. Two is the "ethical" limit. New guy gets me first try. They do the scans, then my abdomen a second time. That should have set off an alarm but I missed it somehow.

Once home we get a call from the research RN. "Informing" me that I have Diverticulitis. Somedays a situation calls for the mental cliche statement of "No Shit, Sherlock." doubly so since it's diverticulitis. I had been experiencing a flare up. It happens on occasion. But it must've made my abdomen glow like a christmas tree for the CT scan. Techs were thinking Cancer and saw my abdomen just exploding with activity. Must've freaked them out enough to call my doc ASAP. LOL! :D

Tuesday, 9/18
In to see my doc and discuss the scan. I'm given a copy and we go over it together. To a laymen there is conflicting data on my report. Then I focus on the summary:

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE PROGRESSION.

Just then my doctor summarizes it in human terms:

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE

Dani and I do the "what? Huh? what do we....what does this mean? Huh?

It means we continue treatment. CT sees no disease but PET might. But this is good news. Really good news. We both were thinking the worst. It was hard not to. The worst part about it was the thought of leaving Dani alone, a widow. I would do anything to not have that happen. She doesn't deserve that. And now I might have another reprieve. Another real lease on Life.

And after i drop Dani off, I smiled. I don't remember the last time I smiled out of the blue. Probably not since before June. But I couldn't stop. And to be truly honest, I couldn't stop the tears. Not that I want to.


peace.

Fever Central

Sunday, 9/9
All Morning my temp hovers around 100. I still feel a little like ass. My head throbs with any change in elevation. A temperature is, again, indicative of a potential serious infection for cancer patients. Especially if one is potentially Neutropenic. Doesn't mean I'm not hesitant to go to the ER. Whys this shit always happen on the weekend? I wait until Dani gets home from Market to break the news. I take my temp two more times and call the oncall onco. My last hope of what I'm sure will be a trip to the ER. To my surprise, the oncall thinks since its low level then it's no bigee - 1000mg Tylenol every 4-6hrs. Whoo Hoo!

Monday, 9/10
My Onco is pissed the oncall didn't rush me into the ER. Ooops. :D She wants me in for blood work.

WBC=12.7
ANC=11,600

Healthy as the proverbial horse. Well, my immune system anyway. Well, all of the cell lines of my immune system except for the one motherfucker that's trying to kill me right now. I seem to have developed a thing in the back of my throat. Somethings there that won't go away. I'm at the clinic but can't get anyone to look at it. How infuriating is that? My doc isn't around and her nurse is a case manager? All those fucking Medical Students walking around are suddenly to busy???????? I leave more than a little pissed off.

Wednesday, 9/12
Chemo Day. Yay! We have to share a room again. I'm there all day, why can't I get a private room? I see 2-3 people drudge through with 15-60 minute procedures. Kind of pisses me off. But we have always had control of the TV. That's what counts. Today the Research Nurse Pops in. I complain about "the thing". She says she'll call an ENT and make an appt for this week.

Phil The Asshole - The chemo, especially 2nd treatment, really does a number on me. Wednesday & Thursday are the worst. I get an overall feeling of ickiness, coupled with irritation, moodiness, no appetite, and nausea. And poor Dani has to deal with me. I'm a monster. Thank God she loves me. I have a hard time putting up with me.

Thursday, 9/13
Go in for bloods. I have a dentist appt. on Friday and my Onco wants to be sure my counts are OK.

WBC=6.2
ANC=4,800
Platelets=142,000

Isn't that interesting? A Twofold decrease (or halving) in my WBC and an almost 2.5 times decrease in my ANC. One day after chemo. Interesting in that chemo sucks ass in targeting specific cells, perhaps? The counts get progressively worst, bottoming out 7-10 days after chemo. Hence the Neupogen. But I'm good to go for dental work.

Friday, 9/14
My dentist doesn't appear to be in. She's always so careful............and cute. Damn. I get the head douchbag. He doesn't like how long I take to go under so he pumps some stuff they use for surgery right into the canal. Hurts like a motherfucker. Fucking asshole. My Dentist pumps me full of novocaine until I numb out. Quite painless after 3-4 sticks. Then douchbag decides he can't see much so he takes the rest of the crown off. He was hoping to finish but the infection is still too big. So I wait another week, putting new cotton on my open canal 3-4 times/day.

Heaven & Hell

Monday, 9/3/07. 3 Days delay

I notice all my tongue sores, chemo & herpes, seem to be all better. Do I dare? I pop a cherry tomato in my mouth. Nuthin! No burning and I can use my tongue fully I squeal with delight. I still can't use my left side due to my temp root canal but I ask Dani to add a Brandywine to my plate. Sausage, steak fries, sliced brandywine with salt. I gleefully take a bite and do a little jig in my chair. Tomatoe. Salt. Gifts of the Gods. I'm so happy. I do my little jig each time I bite into my tomato. I'm almost me again. But not quite. Tomorrow's labs will determine that.

Tuesday, 9/4/07. 4th day

I go into Lombardi around 2PM. I was stalling. Afraid of the outcome. For some reason the phlebotomist can no longer hit my veins. Takes him two sticks near my knuckles. Again, like I'm some frikken Junkie. I go home and wait. I call at 4. One to the Research RN then One to my Docs RN.

WBC 4.9
ANC 3100

Back to normal. Can you believe that? ANC almost quadrupled in 4 days after struggling so long. I "get" chemo on Wednesday.

back home and I'm ecstatic. I have a drink or two. Happier than I can remember. Dani comes home and is quite shocked at my disposition. For dinner I have a porter house, corn on the cob, and another brandywine. So beautiful to be able to eat again. I do my little jig for every bite of corn and tomato I take. Dani's a little saddened by this. She got an almost completely happy Phil yesterday and a 100% happy Phil today.

Tomorrow, I will go away. Breaks Her heart. Makes me sad. So I say lets drink. Toast today. Tomorrow is not here. And drink we do.

Wednesday, 9/5/07. 5 days late

In for chemo at 0930. Out at 4PM. It goes off mostly without a hitch. And unpleasant Phil is back. Irritated Phil is back. Irritated while driving. Irritated at Whole Foods. Nauseated Phil is back. No appetite and I struggle to keep my food going the right way. Fucking meds don't do much but keep me from vomiting. yay. Irritated, sick, fatigued. Oh well. Such is life, eh?

Give Dani a hug. She needs it more than I.

Peace.

What The Fuck Do They Know?

Saturday we go back to pick up my Magic Mouthwash and were unsuccessful. The pharmacist didn't understand one of the ingredients so they called my Doc. My Doc never returned the call so they didn't make my mouthwash. Thanks. Dani gave 'em hell and we go on our way. I call the hospital to page the on-call Onco. 3hrs pass and nothing. Guess everyone's too busy on labor day weekend, eh? I call again, explaining I've been waiting 3hrs and get a quick response.

The on-call calls CVS then me back. Seems my Doc wanted Nystatin in my mix but didn't say how much. The on-call thought it wasn't necessay so told them to nix the Nystatin. It's an antifungal. Who the fuck is he? Some fucking resident that doesn't know shit about me. I tell him I'm on an antibiotic and an anti-viral for mouth issues. So either

A. Maybe my doc saw something in my mouth?
2. Maybe my doc is worried about fungal infection since everything else is being wiped out?

resident dumbfuck: :No. I don't think you need it.
Me: Thanks (asshole). click.

I call the research RN and ask her to please get this clarified with Asatiani. She pages her and emails her. I never here back.

Fuck it. Seems like there are too many cooks in the Kitchen, no?

I pick up my mouthwash on Sunday. Have I told you it's not covered by insurance? $35 bucks. Works for the two weeks I need it. Couldn't eat without it. There's a new circle in hell for insurance company employees.

What The Fuck Do I Know?

Friday. Chemo Day. Yay! Dani & I arrive at 7 West at 0815 for blood draw. It's a beautiful stick. Near perfect. The Nurse draws 3 tubes, tapes the port to my arm, and we head over to Lombardi to see my Doc.

BP 138/98. Fuck-an-A.

I tell my Doc about my tongue/mouth woes and she takes a look. "Herpes" she says. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. And a big Fuckin' hindsight "DOH"! Two of my tongue sores seemed to be getting worse the last few days. They couldn't be due to chemo. DOH! DOH! DOH! She writes me a script for Famvir (Famciclovir: anti-viral specific for herpesviridae family) and more "magic mouthwash". We go back to the waiting room. Labs aren't in yet. And no, it 'taint HSV-2, smart asses. Had an outbreak of HSV-1 once, back in Highschool. Fucker was just waiting.

We sit and wait. I'm not sure which way it's gonna go. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of hoping. I wanna just go with the flow. The Nurse comes out:

WBC - 2.5
ANC - 900.

Chemo delayed until Wednesday. Doc says to enjoy the weekend. Probably nothing more detrimental to chemo therapy than delaying treatment once its started. But they can't risk treatment. WTF? I go back to have my port removed and we leave. Dani's quite upset. I don't know if I care anymore.

Fuck it.

Neutropenia

Mild Neutropenia (1000 < style="font-weight: bold;">Moderate Neutropenia (500 < style="font-weight: bold;">Severe Neutropenia (ANC < 500) — severe risk of infection.

As you may recall Thursday, my counts were 1.4 and 460. That's 1400WBC/microliter and an Absolute Neutrophil Count (ANC or "Absolute") of 460. I need an ANC of 1200 before I can get chemo.

A normal healthy human has 5,000-10,000 WBC. 50-70% are Neutrophils.

I went in for labs on Monday. My counts were 1.8 and 700. Cell growth isn't linear so I was hoping for the best. In the meantime, the RN had to get my info so she could do battle with Insurance and get me Neupogen. I was on it last time. It's a recombinant colony growth stimulator. I inject it subcutaneously and it helps my WBCs rejuvenate. Its big bucks.

Monday night the Nurse calls, says I got the Neupogen but it will be delivered by Icorps health (cheaper?) to my door. They canceled my Tuesday appt with my Doc and rescheduled my chemo from Thursday to Friday, hoping my counts will be fine by then. In the meantime, my doc also convinced the PI that I should have chemo on Fridays only. Day 22 instead of 21. This way I get to see my doc the day of chemo. Makes me and I think my doc much more comfortable.

And My mouth sores suck ass and are getting worst. But it is the night before chemo. So I raise my glass of usige beatha and toast.

Cheers.

Why I Love Mornings Now.

I was never a morning person. Night, late night was my prime time. But now, when I wake up, I feel no pain. My mouth hasn't done anything for hours. No talking, eating, laughing, nothing. The sores aren't irritated. It's so pleasant, such a nice absence. And here I sit, drinking luke-warm coffee, sensing all the spots in my mouth waking up again.

1 cycle down, 5 to go
2 infusions down, 10 to go
2 weeks down, ?

Back To Hell [C,L]

THURSDAY, 8/23/07

I wake up in horrible pain. A toothache. It had been bothering me before so I made an appointment for Monday. It was a crowned/root canaled tooth. Or "dead". I thought maybe the gum was being bothered by the chemo. The pain on Thursday had me believing in Hell again. I called my dentist and they squeezed me in at 230PM. By the time I left I was screaming bloody murder and punching our bathroom/tiled wall. I was ready to cut into my Gum and relieve the pressure/pain.

An excruciating X-ray revealed a massive infection under the "dead" tooth and in one of the canals. The root canal was done the winter of '99-00. Nice job, fuck heads. The X-ray was excruciating because of all the crap they put in your mouth and bite on feels really horrible when you have mouth sores.

We go with a "retry". Redo the root canal instead of pulling/implant or doing a bridge. at 1300 it's also the cheapest method. they calculate insurance will pay about 550. Yay. Glad we're made of money and have no other expenses.

The doc gives me a few shots of novocaine and asks if I want Nitrous. I decline. they aren't trained anesthesiologists. That's why sometimes, on a rare occasion, someone dies at the dentist. And as I've "dabbled" in anesthesia......lets say I know how precarious the patients position is. So I decline but I'm nervous. I can still feel the tooth. My doc loads me up. I think I got 8-12 shots total and then they go to work. For a change, its pain free. The procedure might have been an hour. The relief I feel is indescribable I went from a "10" to a "0" on the pain scale. I almost hugged her. She gives me a script for amoxicillan and I'm out the door. The infection was so large that she left it open so it could drain. Yummy. I did smell it once the drill reached the little buggers. Yummy x 1000.

Wonder why the infection exploded then? Dani also wondered. This happened last time I went through chemo.....

I get the script and it calls for 4 pills right away then 1 every 6 hours. So at 6PM I chug 2000mg of Amoxicillan. Or does 2grams sound larger?

~8PM I'm feeling a toothache. She didn't give me any pain killers. I pop an Oxycodone (Percocet) left over from Surgery.

~15min later I feel a rush of warmth and start sweating.

Fuck.

I grab a thermometer. 101.2. Dani gets off the phone with her mom. I take my temp again. 101.4 FUCK!

during chemo a fever sends you to the doc or the ER if its after hours. I call the on-call anyway. She sends me to the ER. For some reason we drive. stupid. We're kind of in a state of panic. once there they take my vitals. I'm down to ~99.5. So we wait. I hate waiting. I'm so tired of waiting. I tell Dani I'm thirsty and feeling dizzy. She goes up and tells the registrar. I get the next room. It's pediatrics but I get the next room (shhhhhhh. don't ever do that at home, kids). And it's pretty. Unfortunately it's also a big diaper/formula supply room. Oh well. I was tired and wanted a bed.

I won't go through the details of a teaching ER again. Or the fact that its still summer so it's chock full of inexperienced fucks. Or that the student missed my vein twice. That would all be redundant.

The fever disappeared. Several things could have caused it, including taking a massive dose of antibiotics.

however, my WBC (White Blood Cell) and Absolute (Absolute Neutrophil Count) counts are 1.4 and 460, respectively. I'm in the basement. After only 1 cycle. I'm at a High Risk rate for infection. This is my week off from chemo. My weekend off from chemo. Now I have to avoid people.

Into the ER at 8:30PM. Out at 1:30AM.

And my week destroyed.


Peace.

Cancer Shmanzer [C]

Fuck Cancer - Chemo sucks ass!

Wouldn't it be nice if they could comatize you through chemo? I wanna eat but it hurts. I wanna drink but can't. I wanna crap but its painful. I wanna sleep but it escapes me. My tongue hurts, my teeth hurt, my arm hurts, my kidneys hurt, my intestines hurt.

The pain will spike and I wince. Dani wants to help, needs to help. But there is no relief. I just have to ride it out, a wave of pain. I sit in silence, wincing, sometimes biting my tongue near the sore....somehow it helps. Sometimes I can't remain silent and I cry out. Then it's gone. For the moment.

Comfort escapes me

It's not the bullet but the fall.

Gonna go pop lorazepam, compazine, ibuprofen, and I think some sominex.

Fuck it all.

I'd kill to be wasted right now. I'd kill to wake up in a hospital room, Dani looking down on me, and it be December....Cancer Free...

I'm a selfish fuck.

Those Silly Romans [C]

Lead Pipes. Did they really do that? Did they poison themselves? We like to use that cautionary tale for all kinds of reasons. Here's some more:

2006 new cancer cases in the US: 1,399,790
2006 estimated cancer deaths US: 564,830

How silly will we look in the future?

pain's back [C]

With a passion. Oh well. Maybe a Tylenol & some baking soda will do it's trick?

No Pain [C]

My Tongue doesn't hurt. I wish I could convey how wonderful that feels. I hope it lasts for a little bit.

Chemo with a Celebrity/Less Toxic My Ass [C]

1030 PM. Sunday. I just popped 0.5mg Lorazepam and washed it down with whiskey. It's my first drink since chemo. So hoping to sleep. So sure I won't. Soon I get a Compazine. Valley of the Guys...

No Corn
No Scones
No Toast
No Tomatoes
No Spice

Insomnia
Irritability
Gas
Anger
Nausea
Inner tremor, right foot
No Appetite
Anxiety
Constipation
High Blood Pressure
Chemo Brain
Fatigue
Mouth Sores


FRIDAY, 8/17/07
We Get to the Clinic and they put us in a room with another dude. He will be the first of two we share the room with. Both have it "easier" then me, in terms of time spent. I will be there from 0930-1600. Takes about 2hrs to make my drugs then 4 to deliver.

Phil's Cocktail (In Order, Based On Weight):

Anti-Nausea/Steroid
55ml Anzemet
55ml Dexemethasone

Test Article
358ml SGN-30 Antibody/Placebo (Saline)

GVD Chemo
4ml Vinorlbine
209ml Gemcitabine
265ml Pegylated Liposomal Doxorubicin

Total = 946ml

We ignore the dude for a while but feel bad and start talking. He seems familiar. Being DC, he is compelled by law to ask us what we do. "OH", he says, "you're Danielle from World Watch. I have all the reports and go to all the briefings." I just roll my eyes. Meanwhile, the nurse misses the vein everyone misses. I so hate that vein. Everyone wants to try it. NO MORE. She gets me in the wrist. I listen to Dani and our new friend talk. So happy I get to sit back. She gives him a card and he's gone. Then some Hoosier (Missouri slang) takes his place a couple hours later. We leave the TV on loud. He calls someone regarding his gun warranty. I think he has a Skullete but I don't really want to look at him.

....................BREAK..........................

How does one pee during treatment, you ask? Like everything else, very carefully. Sort of.





Near The end of treatment I ask the nurse if they can give me something for my mouth sore. I'm having trouble eating. After some wrangling ( some asshole wanted me to suffer more apparently) she gets the OK from a RNP on the study team for "magic mouthwash". We thank her profusely. Magic Mouthwash is a catch all. Mine has diphenhydramine and Lidocaine. Yum.

We go to the CVS Pharmacy and pick it up. Insurance won't cover it. assholes. It's $35 for a month(?) supply. Get home, open the box, and there it is: a big bottle of stuff with two tiny powder filled bottles. On the box are instructions:

TO THE PHARMACIST: MIX BEFORE DISPENSING.

What a Fuck. It's not the first time he's been a slack ass motherfucker to us. He's like a disgruntled cashier with a Pharmacy degree. Love CVS (On P st. Next to Whole Foods, the middle eastern pharmacist. ;) ). So Tired of him, I shot off an email to corporate before going back and letting Dani yell at him.

I mix the diphenhydramine and lidocaine in and swirl. Then swig. Hmmmmmm, chalky strawberryish numbing goodness. Drrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

I take 5ml/4x/day. I also swish my mouth with baking soda/water every chance I get. I have two Major sores on the right underside of my tongue. After chemo I notice one on the roof of my Mouth. Sunday, there's one on the left of my tongue and both sides of my inner cheeks. It's the tongue sores that suck. I can't stretch my tongue at all. I can't use it to help chewing. Try to conciously not use your tongue while eating. I have to gurgle with liquid after chewing to clear all the food bits out my tongue can no longer help with. It fucking SUCKS!

I can handle the near constant nausea and most of the other symptoms. You might even think everything's peachy when you see me. Mouth sores are hell and I can't feign an Okee Dokee face when they're bothering me.

Sunday, Dani's making dinner. The brandywine tomatoes smell phenomenal. I beg her for a taste. Maybe I'll be OK. I pop a bit into my mouth. Pure succulent heaven. Then I feel it. Like acid on an open wound. I chug ginger ale to neutralize it.

Why'd this have to happen in Summer?

Priceless. [C,L]

Pre-haircut shampoo: $5 Tip
Haircut: $55
Haircut Tip: $15

Old Friend making a sick boy look fabulous and feel wonderful in her chair: Priceless.

Breaking Down [C]

Wednesday, 8/15. Left Forearm. Underside:


See The diagonal red line, middle right? That's my vein. Just upstream, diagonally left and center is a bruise/rash. And maybe just above that and touching (below the mole) you can see the injection site. It hurts on and off. The vein discoloration is most likely chemo but I have to be vigilant for septicemia. Five days post treatment. I may need a port. I'll only get it if they say my veins are being obliterated. I don't need a constant physical/visual reminder of this shit.

I cut back on my anti-nausea meds on Tuesday. Cut off anzemet after 2 days, replaced it with compazine, fearing I wasn't getting anymore for the month. The low level nausea isn't going away. My appetite is non-existent, my mouth has sores, maybe a clot (black spot), I feel dizzy sometimes. I was constipated for the first few days, passing the occasional brick. My first chemo wasn't this bad. Not right away. I didn't expect the second time to be worse. It started to get to me.

Sometimes I get this throbbing in my neck, like my pulse has shot up and all the blood can't get through. Sometimes it causes a headache, sometimes that travels to the base of my neck. This one started before chemo and after surgery.

Dinnertime. Hamburger with cheddar, tomato, sauteed onion. Shoestring FF, black bean and tomato salad. Some of my favorite comfort food. ALL Organic, all local ('cept the fries?). The burger was wonderful. All of it wonderful. I was having a hard time "clearing my mouth" due to the major sore under the back of my tongue. Then I started to fell a surge of nausea after each bite. Nothing big. Just a slight increase. I struggled a bit to take each bite. How much of a struggle? Don't now. Perception is key here. Went from really enjoying my meal to having to focus on taking a bite and keeping it down. the degree in change might miniscule. But the perception is huge. From enjoyment to non-enjoyment. Is there a degree of difference in between?

All within the first week of chemo. It was too much.

I finished up, cleaned my plates and stole to the bedroom. Laid down and broke down. As quietly as I could. Hoping to not upset Dani. Fat chance I had. She came back wondering if I was in pain. Don't think I've ever just imploded like that. I could barely speak, asked her to hold me. And there we lay. Then she got up and gave me what I needed most. A Mental rallying. A talking to, a talking with, battle cry after battle cry. I can not do it justice. We will fight the good fight and we will win. Fuck you cancer.



Thank you, my beloved.