Friday, March 03, 2006

Dr. Death/Cancer Benefit/Nodular Sclerosis

Hi. Sorry it's been so long. I'm kind of wasted so before I forget y'all should watch this video:

It's killing me. LMFAO!

OK. I'm drunk. If this post isn't coherent then I apologize. Sort of. :p

Update time:

I go see my new Oncologist. She doesn't have her case nurse with her. Basically, I think these nurses soften the blow. The Dr. explains we need a PET scan. If the Cancer is not gone then we need to try something else. It's obvious the Dr. hasn't really looked at my file too much. Maybe she's overworked. Both Dani & I get pissed off/frustrated with her.

"Try something else". I actually get flustered with this. I mean physically and mentally. Blood rushes to my face. I'm flustered. I'm positive Dani senses it and has never seen me like this. I'm really worried for the first time. I have doubt for the first time.

"Try something else". I believe that's a nice euphemism for radiation. I know I should think of it as just another phase of treatment. But I'm having a really hard time with it. My new Doc restated the Stats: "80% survival rate". I think she had to but I didn't want it. restating it bothers me. Worries me. Makes me contemplate my own Mortality.

I can't comprehend my own non-existence. I have axiety attacks or near anxiety attacks almost nightly. I usually need something to help me sleep.

Thank You, Dr. Death. I miss my old Doctor.

Drinking is an issue for up to a week after chemo. On those nights I rely on Sominex for sleep. all other nights it's Whiskey. I may be addicted to "sleep" aids but right now that's the lease of my concerns. I've gone through periods of my life less severe than this. Giving up "aids" has never been a problem. I mean, once I kick this fucking disease giving up sleep aids will be a picnic.

Nodular Sclerosis. That's the type of HL I have. looked at my file the last treatment I had.

Fuck this. Cancer can kiss my fucking ass. No known causes of HL. WTF is up with that? I've looked for HL clusters. No luck.

Day of the benefit. Day of the Fucking Nor'Easter. We've had 2 inches of snow so far and a Nor'Eatsre decides to hit the night of my Benefit? WTF is up with that? God Hates Me?

Dani and I go to Dinner and then to the Benefit at Asylum Bar. It's snowing hard. I figure all of my friends from the outer areas will not make it. SEIU & The Lymphoma Society are there. Dani and I are not on the "guest list". LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! We pay full price to get in. I mean, 90% goes to me so why not?


My Good friends Karin & Scott show up! They came from Outside the Beltway! Fought the Weather and showed up! I'm suppossed to mingle. I try. I don't know 90-95% of the people though. I tell Dani I feel the need to hang with Scott & Karin. It's been a while and they fought the weather. She is all for it. God I love her.

We stay as long as we can. Or I can. I tire "easily". I didn't want to leave before it was over but I needed to.

A Special thanx for Courtney & Lauren for organizing this. I may not express it well, but I am so grateful for your work and commitment. Dani & I are so grateful.

On another note, Clayton, Danis friend and now mine, played at the benefit with his daughter. She's 14 but sings way beyond her age. First heared a recording of her sing "Don't You Want Somebody To Love?" and was blown away!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has nothing to do with why I find that video so frikken funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

They played an amazing rendition of a pixies song also!

Thank you so much for coming and playing, Clayton & daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay! Chemo day! Before I fergit: My hair is thin but not gone on my head. Refer to my webshot page. Half my eyebrows are gone, however. My eyelashes have "regressed" quite a bit and I have NO nose hair at all!!!!!!!!!

My body hair is way reduced, including my arm pit hair. TMI? No. I want to remember. My stomach/torso and arm hair is way reduced compared to my pre-chemo days.

Once again I'm "bumped" to the BMTx floor. I've had 6 of my 8 treatments in the BMTx floor. It's a curse and a blessing. I feel like the BMTx Nurses are less experienced than The Onco-Infusion Nurses when it comes to IV sticks. But you get a private room inBMTx as oppossed to the outpatient onco-infusion floor. And Cable. :D

So this Nurse comes in and tries to stick me. I feel pain like I've never felt. She tells me to "relax". I'm gripping Dani's hand so hard I'm afraid I'm going to break it. I've never felt pain like this before. Can you believe this shit? I mean anyone who has seen my veins would call them "Tubes". They're huge. They are still fucking huge even after all this sticking I've goten since diagnosis. Fucking hit them, God Dammit!

Anyway, Dumbass gives up after a while. She thinks she's hitting "valves". God she sucked at it but I didn't want to tell her that. Making her nervous is not in my best interest.

I'm Begining to really hate the sticks. the weekly blood draw sticks along with the chemo sticks. It all sucks. It just sucks more as time goes on. You think you would get used to it. But it's the opposite. It gets worse. You pray for a clean hit. I thank anyone that hits my veins and causes no pain.

She calls in a tech to stick me. He hits me near the wrist. No pain. I thank him but I don't think he understands how grateful I am.

Fucking Cancer Sucks

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