Monday, January 23, 2006

Satan Incarnate

That's me after chemo now. Usually a trip to Whole Foods is all I need. I vent on all the suburbanites and my irritation goes down. Didn't work this time and the worst of it hit Friday night. I took out my anger on my new cell phone that I couldn't figure out, on the mouse to our PC b/c I was having trouble navigating a web site, and the remote control of the TV. Then I took it out, verbally of course, on the person least deserving of my anger: Dani.

God I felt like the biggest piece of shit. Sorry Dani. I love you more than anything.

I couldn't control it. I was angry/frustrated and it was completely irrational. I was sooooooooo irritated. I tried to hide in the bedroom and mope. It didn't work. We discussed it later. It was like PMS. Like i had PMS and a horrible case of sunburn! Like my Hormones were raging but I have no experience with it. I suggested the next time this happens that I leave the apt. Dani thinks I might get into trouble with people on the streets if I leave like that. She would rather leave but I'm not comfortable with that. Why should she leave?

Maybe the next time I go off the deep end Dani could just bring all this up? Maybe that and a slap in the face will bring out the rationale me? Is that foolish/wishful thinking?

Chemo can so suck.

Mark Your Calendar!
This Sunday we went to her friends organic Farm in Maryland and stayed the night. They have a beautiful house and a new barn they should have completed in a few days. We are planning on having our Wedding there so save the Date: 7/1/06, K?

Monday, 1/23/06
Still irritable. Grumpy, not satan like. I'm wondering if it's my "low on the radar" symptoms? I might be getting tired of my leg bones aching, stomach bloat, backaches, nausea, my complete lack of appetite, fatigue, burping, acid indigestion.........whine whine whine. I am mostly upbeat but maybe I'm just getting tired of it all.

Eating with no appetite, and slightly nauseas sucks so much. I really don't remember the last time I ate because I was hungry, or because I would enjoy the food. it's like Oxygen, you don't notice how nice breathing is until you can't. I really miss eating from desire. eating instead b/c I have to. Trying to determine what i might like before each meal can be a trial in patience. If Dani wasn't with me I might easily stop eating.

On a side note - wondering if the burbing/acid indigestion is from my stomach flora being out of whack from the chemo? Gonna try........................for the 2nd time in my life............................Yogurt!

LMAO! I'm gassy, bloated, and have acid indigestion. Who's gonna say I DON'T have PMS? Or maybe I'm pregnant???????????????



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