1030 PM. Sunday. I just popped 0.5mg Lorazepam and washed it down with whiskey. It's my first drink since chemo. So hoping to sleep. So sure I won't. Soon I get a Compazine. Valley of the Guys...
Inner tremor, right foot
High Blood Pressure
We Get to the Clinic and they put us in a room with another dude. He will be the first of two we share the room with. Both have it "easier" then me, in terms of time spent. I will be there from 0930-1600. Takes about 2hrs to make my drugs then 4 to deliver.
Phil's Cocktail (In Order, Based On Weight):
358ml SGN-30 Antibody/Placebo (Saline)
265ml Pegylated Liposomal Doxorubicin
Total = 946ml
We ignore the dude for a while but feel bad and start talking. He seems familiar. Being DC, he is compelled by law to ask us what we do. "OH", he says, "you're Danielle from World Watch. I have all the reports and go to all the briefings." I just roll my eyes. Meanwhile, the nurse misses the vein everyone misses. I so hate that vein. Everyone wants to try it. NO MORE. She gets me in the wrist. I listen to Dani and our new friend talk. So happy I get to sit back. She gives him a card and he's gone. Then some Hoosier (Missouri slang) takes his place a couple hours later. We leave the TV on loud. He calls someone regarding his gun warranty. I think he has a Skullete but I don't really want to look at him.
How does one pee during treatment, you ask? Like everything else, very carefully. Sort of.
Near The end of treatment I ask the nurse if they can give me something for my mouth sore. I'm having trouble eating. After some wrangling ( some asshole wanted me to suffer more apparently) she gets the OK from a RNP on the study team for "magic mouthwash". We thank her profusely. Magic Mouthwash is a catch all. Mine has diphenhydramine and Lidocaine. Yum.
We go to the CVS Pharmacy and pick it up. Insurance won't cover it. assholes. It's $35 for a month(?) supply. Get home, open the box, and there it is: a big bottle of stuff with two tiny powder filled bottles. On the box are instructions:
TO THE PHARMACIST: MIX BEFORE DISPENSING.
What a Fuck. It's not the first time he's been a slack ass motherfucker to us. He's like a disgruntled cashier with a Pharmacy degree. Love CVS (On P st. Next to Whole Foods, the middle eastern pharmacist. ;) ). So Tired of him, I shot off an email to corporate before going back and letting Dani yell at him.
I mix the diphenhydramine and lidocaine in and swirl. Then swig. Hmmmmmm, chalky strawberryish numbing goodness. Drrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
I take 5ml/4x/day. I also swish my mouth with baking soda/water every chance I get. I have two Major sores on the right underside of my tongue. After chemo I notice one on the roof of my Mouth. Sunday, there's one on the left of my tongue and both sides of my inner cheeks. It's the tongue sores that suck. I can't stretch my tongue at all. I can't use it to help chewing. Try to conciously not use your tongue while eating. I have to gurgle with liquid after chewing to clear all the food bits out my tongue can no longer help with. It fucking SUCKS!
I can handle the near constant nausea and most of the other symptoms. You might even think everything's peachy when you see me. Mouth sores are hell and I can't feign an Okee Dokee face when they're bothering me.
Sunday, Dani's making dinner. The brandywine tomatoes smell phenomenal. I beg her for a taste. Maybe I'll be OK. I pop a bit into my mouth. Pure succulent heaven. Then I feel it. Like acid on an open wound. I chug ginger ale to neutralize it.
Why'd this have to happen in Summer?