Thursday, August 16, 2007

Breaking Down [C]

Wednesday, 8/15. Left Forearm. Underside:

See The diagonal red line, middle right? That's my vein. Just upstream, diagonally left and center is a bruise/rash. And maybe just above that and touching (below the mole) you can see the injection site. It hurts on and off. The vein discoloration is most likely chemo but I have to be vigilant for septicemia. Five days post treatment. I may need a port. I'll only get it if they say my veins are being obliterated. I don't need a constant physical/visual reminder of this shit.

I cut back on my anti-nausea meds on Tuesday. Cut off anzemet after 2 days, replaced it with compazine, fearing I wasn't getting anymore for the month. The low level nausea isn't going away. My appetite is non-existent, my mouth has sores, maybe a clot (black spot), I feel dizzy sometimes. I was constipated for the first few days, passing the occasional brick. My first chemo wasn't this bad. Not right away. I didn't expect the second time to be worse. It started to get to me.

Sometimes I get this throbbing in my neck, like my pulse has shot up and all the blood can't get through. Sometimes it causes a headache, sometimes that travels to the base of my neck. This one started before chemo and after surgery.

Dinnertime. Hamburger with cheddar, tomato, sauteed onion. Shoestring FF, black bean and tomato salad. Some of my favorite comfort food. ALL Organic, all local ('cept the fries?). The burger was wonderful. All of it wonderful. I was having a hard time "clearing my mouth" due to the major sore under the back of my tongue. Then I started to fell a surge of nausea after each bite. Nothing big. Just a slight increase. I struggled a bit to take each bite. How much of a struggle? Don't now. Perception is key here. Went from really enjoying my meal to having to focus on taking a bite and keeping it down. the degree in change might miniscule. But the perception is huge. From enjoyment to non-enjoyment. Is there a degree of difference in between?

All within the first week of chemo. It was too much.

I finished up, cleaned my plates and stole to the bedroom. Laid down and broke down. As quietly as I could. Hoping to not upset Dani. Fat chance I had. She came back wondering if I was in pain. Don't think I've ever just imploded like that. I could barely speak, asked her to hold me. And there we lay. Then she got up and gave me what I needed most. A Mental rallying. A talking to, a talking with, battle cry after battle cry. I can not do it justice. We will fight the good fight and we will win. Fuck you cancer.

Thank you, my beloved.

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