Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Like Pulling Teeth [C]

51 days since the Positive PET Scan
19 days since Confirmation
12 days since Bone Marrow Biopsy

Yesterday, to mark the 50th day since my PET scan, I call the RN case manager (the doc's goto Nurse) and the research RN and ask the usual question: WTF? They didn't call back.

This morning Dani asks if I'm gonna call. I say "Fuck it. Fuck it all." Tension rises. Fucking Cancer.

She calls the Case Manager and asks "WTF?" I'm at the computer, my back to Dani and there's a long silence. All I can think is "Fuck. Maybe I'm being paranoid? Fuck"

I turn to look at Dani. She says "There's some unanswered questions. They may have to do another biopsy."

"Fuck!!!! What does that mean? Is there another cancer present? Is it Leukemia? Did they Fuck it up? I would have killed to have my bone marrow clean. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

The RN is reading the report to Dani. The look on her face is not good.

Just then my Doc calls. She starts to tell me I'm going on study. i ask about my Bone Marrow. She asks, confused, if her RN called.

I say "My wife is on the phone with her and there seems to be some "unanswered questions" regarding my bone marrow. My doc says "I think every thing's OK. let me pull up the results."

Dani is off the phone, staring at me.

"Yes. Your negative. They had to perform some extra stains but every thing's OK. We'll get you in her tomorrow and you'll start treatment next week."

I get off the phone and tell her my bone marrow is fine. She slides to the floor, cursing the RN, crying a little. I pour a drink. The last of my Makers. Fuck it.

Did you know Case Managers often know dick about Medicine?

Fucking Assholes. Fucking Cancer.

The research RN called. I go in tomorrow for a MUGA, hopefully. Told her Friday is out due to another engagement (more about that fun later). get a CT scan on Monday and start chemo next week.

I feel so relieved. I really wanted to keep my bone marrow. It's a huge psychological win. It is me, after all. And I still really like me.

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